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A Rambling Man…

// February 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Uncategorized

I finally got around to watching the last episode of 6 Feet Under.  Fuck I love that show.

So I’m watching it and just tearing up.   Last night, same thing.  Watching One Tree Hill and outright crying.  That’s what good writing does to you.  Gets down deep in your gut and moves you.

Because really, there are two kinds of writers.  Those who are doing it for the money, and those that strive for true beauty.  It’s easy to spot the former.  They’re everywhere, and they’re usually pretty terrible.   But the latter… the real writers, they breathe, sweat and bleed their craft.   Those are the ones you have to watch out for.   It’s a dangerous man who can make you shed tears with naught but the stroke of a pen.  It is a vengeful goddess who can wrap you around her finger with but a few simple words purred from her lips.

It is the greatest of honors to be a writer.  We have the ability to shape reality in most minute, almost imperceptible of ways.  We craft the bed time stories that rock you to sleep and spin your dreams.  We weave the music that moves your feet and spin the laughter from your tortured soul.  We pass on your traditions and faiths.  And when the empires have fallen and the soldiers have bled for our sins, it is we who write the history books and sing their praises.  Writers shape the world of your dreams while you’re still dreaming.

But lest we believe ourselves Gods, fate is all to quick to remind us of our folly.  History’s greatest scribes have often died penniless and drunken scoundrels.   In the end they are left only with their legacies; the stories the wove, the fiction they birthed.  A worthy trade I think.

When my time comes – hopefully some easy Sunday morning far, far away from here- I hope they’ll say of me

“He was a bastard if every I met one, but god damn he made me laugh.

I imagine I’ll be in good company.

“It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.”  -walt disney

5 Things I Want to See from James Robinson’s JLA

// February 19th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Comics, Humor

No idea what's going on here.

If there’s a title that’s more of a mess at DC than JLA, I don’t know what it is.

It’s fair to say that since it’s beginnings, both company and creator alike have virtually ass-raped their flagship book to the extent that it’s been somewhat of a non-book since Brad Meltzer left a few years back.  What I mean by that is instead of being a normal ongoing series, JLA has become an ongoing tie-in series to whatever event DC is having at any given time.  Considering everything pre-Blackest Night sucked, that is an EXTREMELY bad place to be for a series.

So after a three-issue false start (which was a Blackest Night tie in; SURPRISE!) James Robinson and Mark Bagley truly begin their their new JLA run with issue 41.  DC apparently wanted to hold out for the end of Blackest Night  and Cry for Justice before letting the duo off their leash.  Of course, since Blackest Night is running late and issue 41 takes a piss on the ending of Cry for Justice, I’m not sure why they bothered.

But regardless, we’re finally here.  I’m all set for the beginning of the Robinson/ Bagley era of JLA.  Having read the first issue with the new roster, I thought I would share a few hopes that I have for Robinson’s run.

1. Be Yourself.  It’s what your Mama told you on your first day of school, and it’s damn good advice.  If there’s one commonality of the various things I heard said of Cry for Justice, it’s this:  ”Finally! THIS is a James Robinson book!”  For the first time since Robinson’s return, it felt like he wasn’t being ghost written.

The reason, I think, is pretty simple.  Cry for Justice was entirely his baby.  Since coming back, it’s the only thing he’s done that has been uniquely his own.  Which makes me worry a little about JLA.  For one thing, the roster is nowhere near as wild as the one he picked for C4J, which leads me to believe he didn’t pick most of them.  But no worries, he could still knock this one park.  But Mr. Robinson, if you’re not going to give this your all, then by all means quit while you’re ahead.  Go do something creator owned. Do something you really want to do.  You were at one time among my absolute favorite writers.  Be that man again.

2. Keep it real.  One of the great things about having Mark Bagley as a penciler is that he can draw absolutely anything (and on time!).   SO yeah, he can draw crazy, bombastic fight scenes full of ‘splodey goodness… but he can also give you intimate, emotive moments as well.  Make sure this is as much about the characters as it is the capes.

3. Break stuff.  Maybe I’m just a prick, but for me the absolute best moment in Cry for Justice was seeing Roy Harper maimed and beaten half to death.  Don’t get me wrong, I think Roy is an awesome character (aside from currently being saddled with a really stupid Alex Ross costume and name), but the fact is that moment was a game changer.  I’m not saying you should just start killing off JLA members… but one or two couldn’t hurt.  *cough* Dr Light *cough cough*

4.  Remember your history.  One of the best things about Starman was Robinson’s reverence for the past and willingness to revisit the golden oldies.  The JLA may not be as old as the Justice Society, but there’s still plenty there to be mined.  Show us why the world needs a JLA, even one that would have Vibe as a member.

5. Jack Knight.  Stop being a dick, Robinson.  You know we want it.  One issue.  I don’t care if he flies or gets drunk and takes a piss on Mon El’s booties.  You teased us with the Blackest Night Starman.   GIve us what we want old man.  DO IT, and maybe… just maybe, we’ll forgive you for writing LXG.  (But probably not)

Go get’em Robinson.

Headlines

// February 15th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, Rumor

I’m a little late for my Week in Comics segment, but I have a good excuse.  I’m incredibly lazy.  So let’s jump right into it, shall we?

Marvel seems to be the big winner on headlines this week.

This morning it was announced that Marvel is taking the adjective from Astonishing X-Men and making it into an entire line.  It’s supposed to be some sort of low continuity series line so that new readers can jump right into the Marvel world.  I liked this idea better when it was called their Ultimate line.

So far they’ve announced the new team on Ast. X-Men and one new series: Astonishing Wolverine/ Spider-man which is a team up book by Jason Aaron and Adam Kubert.

Why does Cyclops look like a bouncer for a gay night club?

Warren Ellis will be joined by Kaare Andrews for his third Astonishing arc.  I’m fairly impressed with the designs even if Emma, Scott and Hisako look like rejects from FAME and Wolverine seems the doing his best impression of Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. It may be worth noting that Beast looks a little closer to his original blue fur form.  That may just be an odd angle though.

Also? You can totally see Ororo’s boobs. Nice.

After recently announcing that they would be canceling the entire Avengers line, Marvel came back with a new line-up.  So far they’ve announced Hawkeye, Spider-woman, Bucky Cap, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine and Spider-man.  They claim this isn’t the full line up and considering the guy girl ratio is 7 to 1, you can bet on Mockingbird and possibly Jessica Jones.   Bendis is on board, along with JRJR and Klaus Janson.  I’m a huge Romita Jr fan, but Klaus Janson is too dark an inker.  He works best with someone who has a lighter touch.   New Avengers has been a solid series under Bendis, so rebooted number aside, I expect this to be a great series.

Can the same be said for Secret Avengers?

Ignited by a series of cryptic roster silhouettes, the internet buzz has been heavy on this series by Ed Brubaker and Mike Deodato Jr.  There’s been speculation that this is a follow up to Dark Avengers.  Personally, I’m nixing that guess.  One: it’s two easy. And secondly the only reason people think that is bc Deodato was the Dark Avengers artist and one of the promos resembles Venom.  The truth is there are about a thousand Spider-man clones out there, figuratively and literally.

The bigger tip-off may be the adjective.  I’m thinking Secret Avengers is going to be Fury’s team.  Brubaker is brilliant at spy stories, as evidenced by the last few years on Captain America.

Unfortunately we’ll have to wait until after Seige before we get any real answers.

Last but not least, Marvel is kicking off yet another cosmic event with the resurrection of the Mad Titan in The Thanos Imperative: Ignition. Thanos was killed by current Guardian of the Galaxy member, Drax the Destroyer.

I want this cover to have my awesome babies.

The Thanos Imperative comes on the heels of the non-event Realm of Kings and once again involves The Fault, a rip in time/space from which all sorts of Lovecraftian badness is coming.  In addition to Thanos, the event will also focus on Adam Warlock’s evil side, The Magus.  The Magus has sprung up in several different forms throughout the years, most recently as the half the embodiment of Warlock’s soul in  the Infinity War (mid-90′s).

No real solids on this series either, but this is now the fourth Cosmic event in as many years. Abnett and Lanning have left the cosmic end of Marvel in far better shape than the regular universe, but it’s still more event fatigue.   That said, it probably will be a good series, so if you can stomach one more cross-over, go for it.

Speaking of events, DC leads off with the covers to this Summer’s Return of Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne does Philip Marlowe? I'm SO in!

Each of the six covers illustrates the different eras that Batman will fight his way through as he battles back to the current timeline. We’ll see Bat-cave man (heh, i made a punny), Captain Bat Sparrow, Witch hunter Batman, Gunslinger Batman and Detective Batman… which isn’t all that conceptually different from regular Bruce, but looks awesome nonetheless.

Morrison has stated that this story doesn’t rewrite the DCU’s history so much as add definition to it.  Apparently Batman was getting things done.

I’m on the fence with this one.  It looks like a fun Batman story, but on the other hand Morrison has been seriously off his rocker since Final Crisis #1.  This may be the most polarizing of Morrison’s work yet… but not likely.

Another major story is in the offing over in the Superman corner of the DCU.  War of the Supermen will be known as the “100 minute war”.  The story is a four parter set in 25 minute increments by James Robinson and Sterling Gates, based on the plans of Geoff Johns.  According to Robinson’s twitter, DC Blogger Alex Segura came up with the concept of the 100 minute war.  Basically it’s a war fought in super-speed.

Okay… that’s just gorram cool.  I haven’t really been in with Supes since the New Krypton arc, but hot damn this sounds like it’s worth trying.

DC’s Brightest Day series has a few more details.  A new cover features the original Aquaman apparently reborn after the events of Blackest Night.   The character has been gone since a failed reboot of the series during DC’s One Year Later stories.

too much tequilla will do that to you, Arthur.

Also post- Blackest Night, the Green Lantern Corps will spin off a third series (fourth if you count Brightest Day).   Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors will star everyone’s favorite ring-wielding jack ass, Guy Gardner.  The series will be written by Peter Tomasi who is departing GLC.  Tomasi will in turn be replaced by Tony Bedard.

Okay, on the one hand that’s way too many Green Lantern series.  On the other, Guy Gardner is bad ass.  As for GLC, Tony Bedard is a really talented writer who seems to keep getting crappy jobs.  Hopefully Green Lantern Corps will turn that around.

Oh, and in other GL news, Ganthet goes from being Guardian of the Blue Lanterns to bitch-job of grunt ring-slinger for the Green Corps.  No idea why.

That’s it for this week.  I’ll try to be less lazy this weekend.

My Response to Joe Quesada

// February 10th, 2010 // 14 Comments » // Comics

The other day someone mentioned to me that the new issue of Captain America had some sort of anti- Tea Party controversy in it.  I hadn’t read it yet, but I shrugged it off.  As the weekend passed by I heard about it a couple more times, and finally when Glenn Beck even mentioned it briefly, I had to find out for myself.

I was absolutely disgusted after reading it.  I felt that it not only superficially and falsely made accusation upon tea party- goers but also upon Conservatives in general. I responded to the issue on the examiner.com, vowing that I would no longer be purchasing Captain America comics, which had been on my pull list for 2+ years.

This morning, Marvel EIC Joe Quesada responded to the controversy.  Basically, what he said amounted to:  ”our bad.”

Okay, to be fair, he said more than that.   Basically, in the issue Bucky Barnes and Sam “Falcon” Wilson are sent to Boise, Idaho to stop a militant Anti-Government group called the Watchdogs.  But instead of asking around about the Watchdogs, Bucky and Sam stake out a huge protest in Boise that looks quite a lot like Tea Party people.   Anti-socialism signs?  Check.  Mentions of Government-run healthcare.  Yep.   But the main tie is the central sign which says “Tea bag the liberals before they tea bag you!”

Quesada explains

“The book was getting ready to go to the printer, it was on fire already from a deadline standpoint, but the editor on the book noticed that there was a small art correct that needed to get done. On the first page featuring the protestors, the artist on the book drew slogans into the protest signs to give them a sense of reality and to set up the scene. On the following page featuring the protestors again, there were signs, but nothing written in them. From a continuity standpoint, this omission stood out like a sore thumb, but was easily fixable. So, just before the book went to the printer, the editor asked the letterer on the book to just fudge in some quick signs. The letterer in his rush to get the book out of the door but wanting to keep the signs believable, looked on the net and started pulling slogans from actual signs.” (courtesy comicbookresources.com)

At which point the letterer pulled out a sign that ended up (more or less) in the comic.

That is a very reasonable explanation.

Too bad it doesn’t actually explain anything.   Quesada claims in the interview with CBR that this group of protestors is no different than the ones Captain America writer Ed Brubaker used in previous story arcs.  The difference being that he never called those people racists, and that’s exactly what he does in the current issue.

First of all, even if you maintain that the protestors aren’t specifically Tea Party-related, the signs represent Right Wing America, and the concerns of average citizens regardless of political persuasion.  You cannot dispute that.

Secondly, what was the point of the protest scene in the first place?   Bucky and Sam stare at the crowd from above and make several judgmental comments about them, which ultimately leads to Bucky forming a plan that will allow him to infiltrate the Watchdogs.   That plan is for Sam to impersonate an IRS Agent and harass a small business owner, and for Bucky (in cognito) to violently eject him from the bar.  Bucky caps off the act by calling Sam “Obama”, inherently suggesting that all black people are the same.  And of course the ruse works and Bucky gets invited into the Watchdogs.

You might suggest that the story only implies that the Watchdogs are racist.  You would be wrong.  It was the protest group that inspired Bucky’s racist plan.   By including the rally scene, Brubaker has automatically drawn a link between the Watchdogs and the average people on the street.   Sam Wilson himself even make racist comments that he can’t blend in with angry white people.

There’s a lot there to be concerned about.

What’s worse is that Quesada seems rather dismissive of the fact that he’s insulted a large portion of his audience. I’m not asking for an apology.   I’m not certain it would be sincere anyway.   What I demand from Quesada is an admission of guilt.

“We screwed up, no excuses.”  That is the only acceptable response.

I disagree with liberal politics, and I outright abhor progressive politics, but the difference between me and them is that I can make my argument without insults are lies. No true intellectual has ever defeated an enemy by becoming one.

I don’t need propaganda.  I have facts.

That is where Brubaker went wrong. It’s not that he commented on Right-sided people.  It’s that he’s drawn false conclusions about their motivations.  I’m sure there are people who don’t like Obama because he’s black.  But that doesn’t mean that everyone who disapproves of him is racist.  I also hate Nancy Pelosi. She’s white. Harry Reid is not only white, but made comments about the President as a “light-skinned Negro”.   Where is the Captain America comic about that?  Don’t bother, I don’t want to read it.  At the end of the day, neither that nor this issue has added anything to the discourse.

All this has done is diminish the integrity of comics as a medium and the image of Ed Brubaker as a writer.

And that’s really sad.  I am a Marvel fan. And I am a comics fanatic.  I love this medium, yet things like this make me feel like the people at the reins of the industry don’t like me.

There’s something very, very wrong there.

Captain America vs Hollywood

// February 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Movies, Rumor

When Marvel Comics formed Marvel Entertainment it was a revelation.  It signaled that the company was taking charge of its own destiny in the larger world of on-screen media.   Iron Man proved that a true, honest to God comic book adaptation could be made.  Iron Man is in many ways the prefect comic film, and it’s sequel (due this May) looks to be every bit as good or better.  The road to Marvel’s Avengers film seemed to have clear blue skies.

Then came this announcement.  The LA Times is reporting that Director Joe Johnston is essentially turning the Captain America costume and concept into a joke.

“The costume is a flag, but the way we’re getting around that is we have Steve Rogers forced into the USO circuit. After he’s made into this super-soldier, they decide they can’t send him into combat and risk him getting killed. He’s the only one and they can’t make more. So they say, ‘You’re going to be in this USO show’ and they give him a flag suit. He can’t wait to get out of it.” (Courtesy LA Times)

Okay… two questions.

1. What’s the point of spending a billion dollars to create a super soldier just so you can turn him into a clown?
2. Does Joe Johnston and Co. realize that Cap will eventually be standing next to the Norse God of Thunder and the Incredible Hulk?  Why would that costume be the one American audiences find silly?

I realize this comes dangerously close to talking about politics, and for that I apologize.  But this is something I feel needs to be said.   Hollywood never once questioned putting Spider-man or Batman in their costumes.  For crepes’ sakes do you remember the Batman and Robin costumes that Joel Schumaker approved??? Those costumes were silly.

What’s so crazy about an honorable and patriotic soldier during WW2?   What’s so crazy about an American audience believing a man wrapped in the flag?

This isn’t about the audience.  This is about Hollywood.

From ‘Hanoi Jane‘ on down through the ages to James Cameron, the movie and entertainment industry has had a long standing grudge with traditional American values.  The First Amendment is designed to protect even anti-American sentiment.  It’s fine for film-makers and writers to express that point of view.   But this is Captain America.

Cap is one of the oldest comic creations still in circulation.  He was created specifically to be the symbol of American sentiment during WW2.  Call me crazy, but I think that sentiment still exists in the hearts and minds of the majority of the American people.  Even when people don’t love their government, they can still love their country.

A few years ago, when Hollywood decided that GI Joe would no longer be “The Real American Hero” for their big-screen adaptation (The Rise of Cobra), I made a conscious decision that I would not spend my hard-earned money on it.  That decision was made in part because I am a patriot, but also because it is an affront to the property.  GI Joe was a toy franchise about an American task military force comprised of different people of all ethnicities and backgrounds fighting together to preserve liberty and freedom.  Is there anything you can think of more beautiful than that???

But the movie studios decided that was too American.

Okay. Fine.  I didn’t spend my money on The Rise of Cobra.  Nor did I shell out ten dollars for a glorified cartoon by a director who advocates eco-terrorism and hates America.   James Cameron can make whatever film he wants.  He can come up with film techniques that simulate euphoria in the viewer’s mind.  I won’t pay for it.

And the same goes for Captain America.

Marvel Entertainment.  Do not make this film. Do not desecrate the integrity of the character just because you disagree with it. The story of a man who loved his country so much that he underwent experimentation and made himself a walking target to inspire the people of the world is not an out-dated one.

It’s just an under-written one.

UPDATE:  After reading this article on Bighollywood.com, I realized that I should have finished reading the second half of the LA Times article.

To clarify, eventually Steve Rogers goes AWOL (although I’m not certain how one goes AWOL from the USO Tour, but still…) and comes to realize the importance of the costume.  It’s your classic ‘Hero’s Journey’ scenario. And then he becomes a leader.

So ADMITTING MY MISTAKE, my point still kind of stands.   There’s no need to make these changes in the character and costume.

Steve Rogers was a skinny kid who wasn’t allowed to defend his country because he was too frail.  So he agrees to these experimental procedures that will make him a symbol of the American Spirit.  That’s it.  That’s the story.  So why does he get thrust into the USO where he decides he’s too cool to wear the flag?  Where does that come into the story?

It fundamentally changes the character’s personality and purpose.  Cap wears the bright, gaudy costume in defiance of the Nazis. He’s a walking target, and he’s supposed to be. That’s why he has a big ass shield! And that’s another thing.  If Steve thinks the costume is stupid, how is he going to feel about carrying around a bright red, white and blue shield in public?  And again, he’ll later be standing by Thor and Iron Man, and maybe even Ant Man. Isn’t that goofy?  These movies require you to suspend disbelief.  So why is it more realistic and acceptable to see a man dressed as a giant bat than one dressed as the American flag?

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

// February 6th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies, Review

*I wrote this on my old blog last May.  It was pretty entertaining.

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream.

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie