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Like a Fish…

// July 23rd, 2010 // No Comments » // Movies, Nerdgasm, Rumor, Scifi, commentary

Rob Bricken from Topless Robot posted the following video. (who I guess got it from /film)

Tron Legacy Viral at Comic-Con: Year 2 from /Film on Vimeo.

I generally avoid reposting other people’s shit because sometimes it feels like the internet is just one big circle jerk.  But this video was far too awesome not to comment on.

Over at SDCC this year, Disney decided to re-create Flynn’s Arcade in anticipation of the upcoming Tron Legacy film this December.  But as you can see in the video, they didn’t just make an arcade.  They re-created the computer than downloads you into the cyber world and then sent guests into a room that looks like the fucking Tron world to watch kick ass clips of the movie and hang out with fucking Bruce Boxleitner.

All I can say is that it’s a damn good thing I couldn’t afford to go to San Diego bc I would’ve killed a shitload of nerds and sown their skin into a piecemeal human suit to get into this thing. Holy fuck.  Bruce.  Fucking.  Boxleitner. He’s John Sheridan. And Capt. Awesome’s dad on Chuck. Which makes him Admiral Awesome, I think.  And he looks cool as shit, taking pictures with fans.  I bet he could nail every chick in that room (all 6 of them) if he wanted.

There’s been some rumors that Disney is thinking of putting Flynn’s Arcade in Tomorrowland (not sure if it’s Disneyland or Disney World).  If this is what they did for a road show, there’s a very good chance the Imagineers are building something capable of causing mass brain aneurysms.

If Tron Legacy is a tenth as good as the trailer, I’m going to go to jail for public indecency when I see it.

NERDGASM: NARNIA EDITION!

// June 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Movies, Nerdgasm, Rumor

For those who care, the folks over at BIGHOLLYWOOD have a (relatively) exclusive trailer for Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader.

Dawn Treader tells the story of the youngest two Pevensieve kids (Lucy and Edmund) and their cousin going back to the magical world of Narnia. Just from the trailer, it  looks fantastic and already much better than Prince Caspian, which I didn’t like at all.

NAAAARRRNIAAAAAA!!!!

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: A-Team Edition

// June 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Movies, Nerdgasm, Review, Television, commentary

I'm pretty sure this film was Plan B.

Of the three beloved television properties of my youth, A-Team is the last to be adapted into a live action film.  But unlike Transformers and Dukes of Hazard,  A-Team is the first one that doesn’t manage to disappoint on most levels.

It doesn’t disappoint, but neither does it impress.  A-Team is a movie that strives for greatness in annals of summer blockbuster history, but instead shrugs and settles for an appreciative “not bad”.   This is clearly yet another movie that  needed more time to… ahem… mature.   The sadness of it all is that with maybe two more drafts and a stronger director it might have been every bit the firecracker I could have hoped.

The Good.

As a fan of J.J. Abrams’ Alias, it’s a pleasure to see Bradley Cooper’s star on the rise, from the frat-boy jerk in Wedding Crashers to the frat-boy jerk in The Hangover.    Here he shines as the new face of Templeton “Faceman” Peck.   Cooper is by far the standout in the film, taking t0 his character in unexpected ways.  In the original series, Peck was literally the face of the group, conducting business and cons.  His manner was always reserved and upper crust.   Cooper however brings a brashness and wild charm to Peck that just manages to work even if it shouldn’t.

The other bright spot is B.A. Baracus.  To be fair, I may be biased.  Quentin “Rampage” Jackson is one of my favorite UFC fighters and one of the celebrities I most want to get a beer with… and I hate beer.  Even so, I can’t imagine anyone replacing 80′s icon Mr. T the way Rampage has.   While he won’t go down as the world’s greatest actor, Rampage brings a lot of heart to the role, not to mention the weight of being a legitimate bad ass.  The homage to Mr. T is thankfully subtle, foregoing the gold chains and taking the trademark Mohawk down a few notches.

Perhaps the most welcome surprise is the inclusion of the A-Team’s “MacGuyver-esque” ingenuity.  (Yes, I just used one 80′s reference to describe another.  Sue me.)   As a primetime show in the 80′s, the original A-Team wasn’t allowed to have people shot and killed on screen hard to imagine, isn’t it?).   As such the writers and producers had to have the team find ways to subdue each episode’s villains without resorting to guns.  They usually did this by building traps or even home-made battering rams out of whatever they found lying around.   The first half of the film prominently displays this low-bloodshed/ highbrow form of warfare (although they do use guns in the movie)., though it’s absent throughout the majority of the second half.

The action scenes are intense and bombastic; exactly what you’d expect from a mid-summer blockbuster and what you need from an A-Team film.  Plus– Jessica Biel with guns.

The Bad.

Liam Neeson is no George Peppard.  But then, an honest critic must look inside and come to the conclusion that no one is mother f***ing Hannibal Smith except for the deceased Peppard.  While Neeson is amiable here, he isn’t really much more than a contemporary, midichlorian-less Qui Gon Jin.  He’s acceptable, but awkward.  Perhaps the worst moment in the film comes at the end of the first act when Neeson utters Hannibal’s trademark catchphrase: “I love it when a plan comes together!”  His delivery was so shoddy and awkward that it literally takes you out of the film.  More damning is the fact that later another character says the line and it not only works, but actually excites you.  Bad Qui Gon.  Bad.

Rounding out the cast is… whoever the hell they got to play Howling Mad Murdock.   The original character, played by Dwight Schultz, was played less as crazy (despite his reputation) and more as an eccentric, but oddly lovable.  In modern terms he was the Cosmo Cramer of his day.  The new Murdock, while not terrible, is both ridiculous and off-putting.   He has his moments of decency, but for the most part it felt like the actor was doing a bad imitation of what he thinks Murdock should be like, rather than just playing the role.  I could honestly say I wouldn’t be upset if they replaced him should they make a sequel. But he wasn’t entirely horrible either, so I won’t bitch if they do bring him back… much.

I mentioned the action earlier, which is the biggest draw for a film like this.  Unfortunately not all the action works as intended.  It seems like there’s a trend going on in new films, where directors are constantly trying to one-up each other to create bigger and more astounding stunts.  There are several action sequences here that manage to be entertaining despite the fact that they make no sense.  The heavily advertised tank scene in particular is almost painfully hard to swallow.  The stunt defies so many laws of physics that the average 3rd grade child would have questions about how that could work.   There are also 2 sequences where a helicopter flies upside down.  No, really.   It’s perhaps a minor complaint, but it’s a persistent one throughout the movie.

There’s a rather bizarre subplot where B.A. Baracus decides he’s a semi-pacifist.  B.A.   The dude who beats people to death with his bare hands while screaming “FOOL!”  I’m all for people studying the teachings of Ghandi, but I can’t imagine what kind of moron thought the A-Team was the place to have this discussion.  Weird.

The film’s opening is probably it’s biggest hindrance.  The sequence not only introduces you to the characters, but in fact  introduces them to each other.  The entire thing should have been cut.  It was not only sloppily written, but completely implausible.   I understand the need to show the team together in action before getting to the main plot, but this wasn’t the way to do it.  I would have been happier with a scene where they’re doing their laundry.  A re-write on this one sequence would have gone a long way towards fixing the movie.

The Ugly.

An A-Team adaptation was never going to be high art.  It’s the story about 4 cool, tough soldiers fighting the bad guys when no one else know how.

The thing that Hollywood almost never seems to get when it comes to adapting a beloved property is that you don’t need to do a shot for shot remake.  You just have to get the characters right.   This is why Batman Begins is a success, while Dukes of Hazard made me want to go on a shooting spree.

If nothing else, A-Team got the characters (well… except Murdock…).  And they blew things up.  And again, Jessica Biel with guns. So… yeaaaaahhhh.

Yes, the plot is so paint-by-numbers that I can’t come up with a funny analogy.  And the villains can’t help but be obvious if somewhat compelling.   But when I walked out of that theater, was I whistling that familiar old theme song?

You bet your ass!

Peter Parker Isn’t Just Another White Guy

// June 1st, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Comics, Movies, Scifi, commentary

“The last thing Spider-man should be is another white guy.”

There are days when it just doesn’t pay to be a comic fan anymore. That’s the only response I could muster when I read the title of Marc Bernardin’s incredibly insipid and insulting blog post on IO9… well, that and “I’m so glad I don’t read IO9 anymore.”

I debated on even writing a response to this.  Judging by the unintelligible comments that were posted when I took a stand on Ed Brubaker’s completely uniformed and out-right ignorant Captain America story, this is just me stepping back into dog mess.  To hell with it.  Who wants to live forever?

Bernardin makes the argument that the young male actors currently being considered for the role of the Spider-man movie reboot are all boring.  Mostly because they’re white.   He goes on to ask why Spider-man needs to be just another boring white guy.  His justification:

There is no worse argument for anything than, “because that’s the way it’s always been.” Lee and Ditko created a wonderfully strong character, one full of complexity and depth, whohappens to be white. In no way is Peter Parker defined by his whiteness in the same way that too many black characters are defined by their blackness. He’s defined by the people he cares for, by his career, by his identity as a New Yorker (incidentally, one of the most diverse cities in the world) — as too many good people died to prove, a man is defined by his choices, not by the color of his skin.

Oh my.  Where to begin with this sadly disingenuous and poorly though out thesis?  Wait, I know!  The writer’s next question is why can’t Peter Parker be played by a black or hispanic actor?   Well, if it’s racist to assume that Peter Parker has to be white, then isn’t it also racist to assume that the only alternatives to a white actor are black and hispanic?  Not to get off topic, but this has always been my problem with people that fight to include Spanish in signs and textbooks.  Isn’t it just as racist to leave all the other languages and cultures out of the equation?  Not only is it racist, but it’s hypocrisy.   If Peter Parker’s entire history and culture are so interchangeable, then why not look at someone like Jet Li or Naveen Andrews of LOST?  Why jump to only those two ethnicities?  Come on Marc, smell the irony.

But I digress.  Let’s stick with what he’s actually said, not the unintended consequences.

I don’t know what ethnicity Bernardin is, so I won’t assume that he isn’t white. In fact, I would bet he is. Nor will I outright assume that his intent is to cause controversy or harm. I don’t believe it is.  All I really need to know is that he has a problem with perspective.  He sees color far more than he seems to admit.

To say that Peter Parker’s color, and by extension his entire family history have nothing to do with his personality simply because he isn’t black or hispanic is…  mind- blowingly insulting.   I don’t believe anyone is defined by their ethnicity, save those who purposely make it their priority.  But to say that we’re not largely influenced by our ancestry is ridiculous.  First of all, if Peter is Black or Hispanic, so is Aunt May and Uncle Ben.  In the continuity currently used, May and Ben Parker are two old hippies who flourished during the time of the Civil Rights movement.  Their personalities are defined by these times when people learned that you should judge a man and a woman by the content of their character.  A Black May and Ben might have learned the same lessons, but by virtue of the harsh attitudes of the times they would be completely different people, right down to the lessons they taught young Peter.   Furthermore I grew up around people from various different cultures and ethnicities, and I can honestly say a hispanic Peter Parker would be a very different character.  Most hispanics I know strive to carry on the traditions of their family.  Would that really be entirely absent from a Cuban Peter Parker– one whose Aunt and Uncle may have escaped Castro’s boot?  Because the mistake is assuming that we boring white people are just blank slates.  True, I don’t actually know Peter’s specific ancestry.  But for that matter I don’t know my own best friend’s family history. Nor do I ask strangers if they’re Korean or Vietnamese. I don’t need to know that as long as I take the time to find out what kind of person they are.  But by the same token, I certainly don’t assume that you could switch out someone of Chinese descent for someone Japanese.  That upsets them.  It upsets a lot of people, because when you make that assumption you’ve stripped that person of thousands of years of culture and blood and love and life.  You’ve stripped them even of their own mind and actions and singled them down to one thing.  Color.

THAT is racism.

Would it be more interesting to make Peter Parker black/ hispanic/ chinese?  Well, no.  It would just make him different.  Particularly considering Bernardin isn’t arguing to change Parker’s personality, just his skin.   So once again it comes down to the idea that a man’s color defines him.  Kind of makes you wonder what all those people fought and died for over the last 200 years, doesn’t it?

One example brought up was some  uproar over the suggestion some time ago that Will Smith would play Captain America. The suggestion is that a black Cap would be infinitely more interesting than Chris Evans.  A few things about that…  People were also pissed when Smith was floated to play Nick Fury in place of Samuel L. Jackson (one of the most prominent actors on the planet and …oh yeah, a black man).  Speaking for me personally, I was more outraged at the idea of turning Cap into another terrible Will Smith vehicle wherein a patriot in World War 2 mysteriously becomes the Fresh Prince of Belair.   There was an even bigger explosion of hate when Nic Cage was named to play Superman.  The reason being that some actors just don’t work for certain roles, particularly when it comes to icons like Captain America, Superman and even Spider-man. Jack Nicholson was an absolutely terrible Joker.  The Joker is an iconic villain… not an aging playboy who digs the Knicks.

The biggest argument against Smith as Cap actually disproves Bernardin’s point while confirming his statement that a black Captain America is more interesting than white one.  You see two races are not interchangeable.  While we honor brigades of Black soldiers of the greatest generation who fought in the last great war, we are honor-bound to remember that there’s a reason they fought in all black brigades.  Because change takes time, and it most certainly takes sacrifice.  A black Steve Rogers would be a very different story. In fact, it wouldn’t be Rogers’ story at all… it would be Isaiah Bradley’s.   Bernardin makes mention of Kyle Baker’s story The Truth, which exposed a dark chapter in Marvel’s history wherein black men were used as lab rats to test the super soldier serum which Rogers would use to become Captain America.   The sole survivor of these experiments was Isaiah Bradley, the black Cap… the original.  But the military wouldn’t have accepted a black symbol for their country, so Bradley’s existence was hidden away for decades.  That is far more interesting story than the one about Steve Rogers.  But isn’t the story of Captain America.  In fact, if anything it makes one feel less patriotic.  And it isn’t Bradley’s skin that makes him more interesting than Steve… it’s his pain.  His story.   And it’s a story worth telling in a different film.

To say that we shouldn’t change things simply because that’s the way it’s always been is foolish, this is true.  Change is both necessary and natural.  But that statement is a generalization.  Change for the sake of change is what Bernardin is arguing.  See, I don’t give a damn what color Peter Parker is.  I didn’t even particularly like the previous Spider-man films, mostly because Tobey Macguire was so wooden and completely out of his element.  But I don’t think his “whiteness” is what made him suck.  If you were to argue that Daniel Dae Kim would make a better Peter than Nick Lachey I might see your point… hell I’d take Kim over a whole litany of actors on just about anything. (“Yes, the shark from Jaws.”) But that’s the whole crux of the issue.  Bernardin isn’t suggesting actual actors that could fill the role.   He’s not choosing Michael Clarke Duncan over Vader (former WWF westler) to play Kingpin.  He’s just saying throw any random hispanic actor in that spot and it’ll be better.

See that title gets me. “The last thing Spider-man should be is another white guy.”  The last thing.  Why?  Is his whiteness really the problem with translating the character to screen?  Doubtful.  Instead, the point seems to be to change him to make race an issue.  ”Go see the new Turkish Spider-man!  Did ya here?  He’s not white anymore!  HUZZAH!”  I mentioned Michael Clark Duncan as the choice for Kingpin in the Daredevil movie.   I didn’t have a single problem with him there.  He was the right man for the job.  That’s fine.  Colorblind acting is great when you choose the best person possible.  But the way his article comes across is less colorblind casting and more cinematic affirmative action.  If you believe in that, fine. Let’s have that discussion. But don’t pretend this somehow makes us a gentler, more tolerant nation.  Instead it politicizes the issue and once again divides us according to typical Hollywood standards.

Arguing Will Smith over Chris Evans is easy (actually it’s not; they’re both terrible).  It’s also a debate with merit.  Arguing white versus red, black, brown, yellow… it’s just a step back. It’s a step on the backs of everyone who ever fought or died to be recognized as a person and not just a color. It’s politics.  And it’s dismissive.  People… even fictional ones… deserve better.

In the Words of Admiral Ackbar…

// May 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // Humor, Movies, Nerdgasm, commentary

Geek Girl Diva reminded me about a possible train wreck coming to a theater near you. You may have heard about the geek-u-mentary being made about the San Diego Comic Con by Morgan Spurlock and Joss Whedon.

Well they’re looking for geeks to be subjects in the documentary.

I’m not so sure this is a good thing.

In fact, I think the only way I would consent to doing something like that was if they flew me out there, or if I got to touch hang out with Joss for an afternoon.

I’ll be honest, I know nothing about Morgan Spurlock.  I never saw Super Size Me.  Watching a movie about how McDonald’s affects your weight is like watching Schindler’s List to find out if Nazi’s were really bad guys.   So I don’t know, maybe he’s a good guy.

And yeah, Whedon and Stan “The Man” Lee are involved, and I know they would never intentionally hurt us.

But I just have this feeling…

Word to your fucking mother, Big A.

Let’s be honest.  What good can possibly come from a movie about the nerd version of Mardi Gras?  People only go to Comic Con for 3 reasons.

1. They’re a collector trying to clog up the lines and make us hate their greedy guts.
2. They’re a Twilight fan and therefore reminding us that EMO kids have jobs too.
3. They wanna get their Frak on.

Believe it or not, this dude has a webcomic character based on him at Hijinks Ensue

Look at this poor guy to the right dressed as Kratos.  Don’t make fun of him. That’s you motherfucker.  …maybe with a little more chest hair, but that is you at Comic Con.

Don’t deny it.

I went out and bought a gas mask from and army surplus store to go with a trench coat and fedora specifically so I could spend Halloween as Wesley Dodds. It was 89 degrees in New Orleans.  I may as well have stuck my face in a deep fat frier.  And do you think I learned my lesson?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Do you think there is any chance I won’t be rocking that ridiculous get up, strapped with a Super Soaker at a Con near you???

I’m a geek!  I live for that shit!

Now try putting that on camera.

It’s like a viral video bonanza waiting to happen.  People are going to devote drinking games to this movie.  The jocks that beat you up in High School are going to shit themselves laughing as you run up to Felicia Day in full 3rd level Mage garb to get her to sign your copies of The Guild Season 2.

Think about it. You know how you watch the Big Bang Theory and laugh at their nerdery in that familiar its-funny-cuz-its-true way?   Then Sheldon does something that’s funny but bizarre.  Now take out the laugh track. This could easily be an uncomfortably sad film about the Simpsons’ Comic Book Guy come to life.

There’s nothing wrong with being that guy, provided you change your underwear and limit ogling the Christina Hendricks scenes on your Firefly DVDs to once a few times a week. We’ve all spent time in acts of geekery that could easily render us virgins for the rest of our lives.  And I don’t regret a moment of it. I’m still debating on that Babylon 5 tattoo with the Crusade Sword and Shield emblem. Being a geek is pretty great.  But put it on film and there’s the small possibility this could happen to you.

Probably not.  But you never know.

Really though, what are the odds you’re going to see two hours of this?

no words, just emotions.

He Is Iron Man

// May 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Movies, Nerdgasm, Review, commentary

There’s nothing quite like making a sequel to a popular and successful film.  The goal of the sequel is to re-create the same feelings in  the audience that the first film made, but at the same time create something entirely new and not just a re-tread.  Audiences can be brutal when it comes to sequels and beloved franchises.  To coin a phrase, they actually do expect you to re-invent the wheel.

Sometimes an audience’s inability to detach the first film from the second can severely hamper their response. Having read several negative advanced reviews of Iron Man 2, I think maybe this is yet another sequel to suffer from this problem.  The first Iron Man movie was, in my opinion, the best comic adaptation thus far made.  Though it’s spotlight was partially stolen by The Dark Knight, the story of Tony Stark managed to strike a chord with audiences.  Both Tony and Bruce Wayne (Batman) are similar characters in many ways, but whereas Bruce’s adventures on screen thrilled us and chilled us, Tony charmed the pants off of us– in the case of some young ladies, quite literally.

While it is far from a perfect film, the further adventures of Iron Man are even more (if you’ll pardon the pun) incredible.  The first film managed to overcome the typical slow-burning superhero origin story that hampers so many adaptations. (This problem practically crushed M Night Shyamalan’s plans for an Unbreakable trilogy.)   Iron Man 2 literally jumps right into the action almost from the first frame, as Iron Man jumps from a military transport- for some reason- and lands on a stage at Stark Expo 2010.  From there the film begins a race against time that will either lead to a drunk and well-bedded Tony Stark- or a dead one.

That isn’t much of an exaggeration; this is a busy film. One of the critics I read likened it to the mess that was Spider-man 3, which played out like a stack of comics in a blender and glued together by a chimpanzee. It’s not really a fair comparison. The problem there wasn’t so much the number of plot points dealt with, but the lack of any connection between them.   Though IM2 deals with many seemingly unrelated details (Pepper Potts, Congress, Justin Hammer, Whiplash, SHIELD, Rhodey and Scarlet Johansson’s spectacular ass) each of them gets plenty of time to settle in and meshes cohesively in the film.   I stress the first part. The pace of the film is fast, but the plot is never rushed.

I credit this both to a strong script by Justin Theroux and expert direction by co-star Jon Favreau.  Had either of these men been inadequate I’m quite certain I would be screaming bloody murder right now.

But the real element that pulls it all together in my opinion is the man inside the armor.  Once upon a time Tom Cruise was signed to become the armored Avenger.   While I personally consider Mr. Cruise to be one of the finest actors ever to worship space aliens, I can only imagine that movie experience would have led to me kicking a puppy.   The loss of Cruise as the film’s lead ultimately led to the great Robert Downey Jr taking over as Tony Stark.   If there’s anything above perfect casting, then casting RDJ as Tony is Mana from heaven.    No actor has so completely personified a role since the day Christopher Reeve made us believe a man could fly.

It’s nothing as simple as looking the part.  Nor is it even necessarily the fact that Tony Stark is well-known as an alcoholic and Robert Downey has had his own well-publicized battle with addiction and redemption.   It’s the nuances.   The ability to make impossibly inappropriate jokes and then switch to devout seriousness without missing a beat.   The unflappable facade he holds even when he’s falling apart.  And yes, there is the charm.   In the Marvel Universe, there are basically 3 men who are as well known for the sexual conquests as their heroic exploits.  Both Daredevil and Wolverine are notorious skirt chasers.  Tony puts them both to shame.  The aspect of the film version I find most intriguing is that women don’t sleep with Tony because he’s a famous billionaire, they do it because he’s just that good.  To put it simply, there’s a small chance I’d go gay for RDJ.   Don’t judge me.

But of course, no man is an island.  The rest of the cast provides a strong base -and occasional foil- for the Iron Man.  I wasn’t necessarily a big supporter of Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts, despite a strong performance.  But after two films, I feel like she’s added to a character who wasn’t all that celebrated outside of hardcore Iron Man fans.   Jon Favreau returns as Happy Hogan, Tony’s driver.  This time though, he exists as more than just a prop.   Happy even gets a few fight scenes this time around.   Don Cheadle -one of my favorite actors- serves admirably as Rhodey, though the shift from Terrence Howard is a little distracting.

And of Scarlet Johansson, I will merely echo Tony’s thoughts.  I want one.

technically this has nothing to do with Iron Man, but... holy shit.

Then there’s the new villains.

Jeff Bridges is a difficult act to follow.   Thankfully they didn’t just try to follow Obadiah Stane with Sam Rockwell’s Justin Hammer.  While Rockwell is always entertainingly weird, his nerdy wanna-be-Tony Stark has yet to feel menacing (…yet).   And yet Mickey Rourke manages to bring a whole new level of crazy into the Iron Man universe.    Though to be fair, I’m pretty sure Rooney was just playing himself with a Russian accent.   Most people were confused by Rooney’s announcement as the movie’s main villain.  Whiplash is a rather obscure nemesis, even among comic fans.  Having teased the villain known as the Mandarin in the first film, Ivan Vanko seemed like a huge let down.   And yet it turned out better than I could have anticipated.

To further address the negative press, there’s something you have to understand about this film.   I think a lot of the confusion revolves around the drastically different tone this time around.  Iron Man 1 was about a man figuring out who he wants to be.  IM2 is about that man trying to do too much at once only to slowly fall apart.

It’s a much darker film in spite of the laughs and unbelievable action scenes.   In fact this may be as close as we ever come to the “Demon in a bottle” storyline which dealt with Tony’s alcoholism. The filmmakers have danced around and teased the subject, but honestly– who goes to an action flick looking to see a guy nearly die of liver failure?   Here we get the best of both worlds.  Many of the same control issues that alcoholics face are dealt with as Tony faces the dangers of his own ego.  Sure it’s on a less realistic and heavy level, but again that’s not what you’re going to an Iron Man film to see. Save the complex life issues for the comics, which have the space to deal with them.   The movies work better on these smaller scales.

The final verdict-   Iron Man 2: go for the Iron Man/War Machine fight scenes, stay for the uncomfortable Scarlet Johansson erections.

Awwww YEAH!!!!

// April 6th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Movies, Nerdgasm, Television

This is hardly news to most people and it’s not remotely comics or scifi related; but screw it- this is my site.

There are three television series which sort of defined awesome from my childhood.  We’ve seen the results when Hollywood got hold of the first two.  Tranformers– Monty is going to lose his mind when he reads this— Tranformers 1 and even 2 weren’t nearly the horrifying experiences people described.  Both were fun, worthless movies.  -They just weren’t Tranformers movies.    Dukes of Hazzard was bullshit.  They took a movie literally about Good ol Boys, beautiful women, moonshine and a fast car  — all the things that make the South great— and turned it into — I don’t even know what that was!  Who’s idea was it to give those morons in the Broken Lizard comedy troupe (Super Troopers) a movie about the South? MOst of the movie wasn’t even IN gorram Hazzard County!!!   Fuck you Hollywood!  I will never forgive you for that shit!!

…

…..

*deep breaths*

For the first time, one of my childhood loves stands a chance of being turned into a great film!

DUH DUH DUHHHH/ DUNT DUNH DUHHH

HELLZ YEAH— A-TEAM MOVIE!!!!

You’ve probably already seen this since it’s been out a week now, but I felt like posting it anyway.

I feel like there’s a lot to be excited about here.

First and foremost is B. A. Baracus.   Honestly, if you had asked me to cast the guy who could replace Mr T, I dunno what the hell I would have come up with.  When I think of large, angry black guys who could tear my testicles out through my nose, it pretty much ends up with Ving Rhames and Michael Clarke Duncan.   But as a UFC fan and a dude who LOVED the Forrest/ Rampage season of Ultimate Fighter— I am so psyched about this!!! Quentin “Rampage” Jackson isn’t just a big, bad ass fighter.  He’s funny as hell and seems to be a really nice guy.   I don’t think he’ll be much of an actor, but I think this is one role that could work for him.  I love that they decided to go more subtle with his version of B.A.   The mohawk is turned down quite a bit and they went without the gold chains.  It shows they’re taking this seriously.  The best part about Rampage is that he can definitely get physical, so there’s a good chance we’ll get a great fight scene out of him.

SECOND-  Bradley Cooper.  I’m a huge Alias fan, so seeing Will get bigger and bigger is pretty awesome.  I’m still a little annoyed he didn’t get the role of Hal Jordan in Green Lantern, but hell– win some/ lose some.   The great thing about Cooper is that the dude can genuinely act.  These days we see a lot of actors who play themselves in everything the do.   Cooper plays a different guy every time. Alias. Wedding Crashers. Hangover. … uhh.  Those other things I’ve seen him in.  And he’s looking like an awesome choice as the new Templeton Peck.

I admit that I’m not so sure about Liam Neeson replacing George Peppard.  I love Neeson, but— come on, it’s HANNIBAL!! And I have no idea who the guy who’s playing Howlin Mad Murdock is.

There’s a lot of comparison’s between this and the Expendables, since they’re pretty similar in concept if not execution.  Throw the crappy looking Losers adaptation and you have a whole set. Expendables looks awesome, but I think I’m going to enjoy A-Team most just for the humor factor.

Every time I see this trailer I get more and more jazzed to see it. There’s not much that could make it better for me unless Jessica Biel takes her top off.

… that’s probably not going to happen, right??

Your Daily Nerdgasm -updated

// April 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies

Yahoo has a slew of new stills from the upcoming Iron Man 2 film, including a new poster feat. Scarlet Johansson as Natasha Romanov.  Honestly between Tony and Rhodey having a full-on Iron Brawl and Scarlett filling out those tights, there is a very good chance I’m going to be arrested for public indecency when I see this thing.

Also be sure to check out the new movie website Starkexpo.  There’s a reference to Stark- Fujikawa on the site.  S-F is what becomes of Stark Industries in the Marvel 2099 Universe.  I have no idea what the reference means on the site.

UPDATE  Marvel has put up the official Iron Man 2 site, complete with a gallery featuring old and new pics.

Captain America vs Hollywood

// February 7th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Movies, Rumor

When Marvel Comics formed Marvel Entertainment it was a revelation.  It signaled that the company was taking charge of its own destiny in the larger world of on-screen media.   Iron Man proved that a true, honest to God comic book adaptation could be made.  Iron Man is in many ways the prefect comic film, and it’s sequel (due this May) looks to be every bit as good or better.  The road to Marvel’s Avengers film seemed to have clear blue skies.

Then came this announcement.  The LA Times is reporting that Director Joe Johnston is essentially turning the Captain America costume and concept into a joke.

“The costume is a flag, but the way we’re getting around that is we have Steve Rogers forced into the USO circuit. After he’s made into this super-soldier, they decide they can’t send him into combat and risk him getting killed. He’s the only one and they can’t make more. So they say, ‘You’re going to be in this USO show’ and they give him a flag suit. He can’t wait to get out of it.” (Courtesy LA Times)

Okay… two questions.

1. What’s the point of spending a billion dollars to create a super soldier just so you can turn him into a clown?
2. Does Joe Johnston and Co. realize that Cap will eventually be standing next to the Norse God of Thunder and the Incredible Hulk?  Why would that costume be the one American audiences find silly?

I realize this comes dangerously close to talking about politics, and for that I apologize.  But this is something I feel needs to be said.   Hollywood never once questioned putting Spider-man or Batman in their costumes.  For crepes’ sakes do you remember the Batman and Robin costumes that Joel Schumaker approved??? Those costumes were silly.

What’s so crazy about an honorable and patriotic soldier during WW2?   What’s so crazy about an American audience believing a man wrapped in the flag?

This isn’t about the audience.  This is about Hollywood.

From ‘Hanoi Jane‘ on down through the ages to James Cameron, the movie and entertainment industry has had a long standing grudge with traditional American values.  The First Amendment is designed to protect even anti-American sentiment.  It’s fine for film-makers and writers to express that point of view.   But this is Captain America.

Cap is one of the oldest comic creations still in circulation.  He was created specifically to be the symbol of American sentiment during WW2.  Call me crazy, but I think that sentiment still exists in the hearts and minds of the majority of the American people.  Even when people don’t love their government, they can still love their country.

A few years ago, when Hollywood decided that GI Joe would no longer be “The Real American Hero” for their big-screen adaptation (The Rise of Cobra), I made a conscious decision that I would not spend my hard-earned money on it.  That decision was made in part because I am a patriot, but also because it is an affront to the property.  GI Joe was a toy franchise about an American task military force comprised of different people of all ethnicities and backgrounds fighting together to preserve liberty and freedom.  Is there anything you can think of more beautiful than that???

But the movie studios decided that was too American.

Okay. Fine.  I didn’t spend my money on The Rise of Cobra.  Nor did I shell out ten dollars for a glorified cartoon by a director who advocates eco-terrorism and hates America.   James Cameron can make whatever film he wants.  He can come up with film techniques that simulate euphoria in the viewer’s mind.  I won’t pay for it.

And the same goes for Captain America.

Marvel Entertainment.  Do not make this film. Do not desecrate the integrity of the character just because you disagree with it. The story of a man who loved his country so much that he underwent experimentation and made himself a walking target to inspire the people of the world is not an out-dated one.

It’s just an under-written one.

UPDATE:  After reading this article on Bighollywood.com, I realized that I should have finished reading the second half of the LA Times article.

To clarify, eventually Steve Rogers goes AWOL (although I’m not certain how one goes AWOL from the USO Tour, but still…) and comes to realize the importance of the costume.  It’s your classic ‘Hero’s Journey’ scenario. And then he becomes a leader.

So ADMITTING MY MISTAKE, my point still kind of stands.   There’s no need to make these changes in the character and costume.

Steve Rogers was a skinny kid who wasn’t allowed to defend his country because he was too frail.  So he agrees to these experimental procedures that will make him a symbol of the American Spirit.  That’s it.  That’s the story.  So why does he get thrust into the USO where he decides he’s too cool to wear the flag?  Where does that come into the story?

It fundamentally changes the character’s personality and purpose.  Cap wears the bright, gaudy costume in defiance of the Nazis. He’s a walking target, and he’s supposed to be. That’s why he has a big ass shield! And that’s another thing.  If Steve thinks the costume is stupid, how is he going to feel about carrying around a bright red, white and blue shield in public?  And again, he’ll later be standing by Thor and Iron Man, and maybe even Ant Man. Isn’t that goofy?  These movies require you to suspend disbelief.  So why is it more realistic and acceptable to see a man dressed as a giant bat than one dressed as the American flag?

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

// February 6th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies, Review

*I wrote this on my old blog last May.  It was pretty entertaining.

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream.

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie