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“Is that the same as ‘getting a lot’?”

// August 24th, 2010 // No Comments » // Humor, Scifi, Television

Apparently some folks made a video summarizing True Blood, called “True Blood in 60 seconds”.  Bizarrely, the video seems to actually run almost 2 minutes.  Seems like calling it “True in 2″ would have been a little catchier.  Anyway, it’s pretty funny and voices my thoughts on the show precisely.  Which is to say:

1) The vampires as allegory for homosexuals concept is so ham-fisted I’m not sure what the point is.  I think it kind of makes gay people look like assholes.

and 2) True Blood is a show for people too chicken shit to admit they want to watch movies where people fuck.

I’ve tried watching episodes of the show, including the first four (which were curiously major cock teases).  I don’t care what anyone says, that show is pure shit.  And this is from someone who’s seen every episode of Dawson’s Creek and at least 12 episodes of The Gilmore Girls.

The last episode I saw featured the main guy on the show, Bill, raping/ pleasing a female vampire.  And by raping/ pleasing, I mean twisting her head completely around so that he’s getting her missionary while her head is looking back at the camera screaming “FUCK ME FUCK ME FUCK ME”.  And to make matters worse, we didn’t even get to see her tits.

I don’t know what kinda sick fuck came up with that, but if ever there was a Charles Manson motherfucker who needed Jesus, it’s him.

Oh and then there’s this.

Blood in the pink, one in the stink?

Look… I’m far from what anyone would call a “prude”.  There’s a good chance I’d be willing to switch places with one of these guys if that’s how Sookie likes to get down.  But I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t want to be walking around Barnes and Noble with my nephew where this shit is is casually displayed next to Better Homes and Gardens, then spend the ride home trying to explain away “double penetration” to a 9 year old.  Because I don’t think he’s gonna buy “they’re just playing Twister with ketchup”.

True Blood sucks ass. And judging by the cover, it sucks a lot of dick too.

*video courtesy of Mashable

***if you’re wondering, the title is from an old Newsradio line.  John Ritter is explaining that he suffers from nymphomania/ sexual addiction.  Dave Foley responds: “Sir I’m from Wisconsin. Is that the same as “gettin’ a lot?”

In the Words of Admiral Ackbar…

// May 26th, 2010 // No Comments » // Humor, Movies, Nerdgasm, commentary

Geek Girl Diva reminded me about a possible train wreck coming to a theater near you. You may have heard about the geek-u-mentary being made about the San Diego Comic Con by Morgan Spurlock and Joss Whedon.

Well they’re looking for geeks to be subjects in the documentary.

I’m not so sure this is a good thing.

In fact, I think the only way I would consent to doing something like that was if they flew me out there, or if I got to touch hang out with Joss for an afternoon.

I’ll be honest, I know nothing about Morgan Spurlock.  I never saw Super Size Me.  Watching a movie about how McDonald’s affects your weight is like watching Schindler’s List to find out if Nazi’s were really bad guys.   So I don’t know, maybe he’s a good guy.

And yeah, Whedon and Stan “The Man” Lee are involved, and I know they would never intentionally hurt us.

But I just have this feeling…

Word to your fucking mother, Big A.

Let’s be honest.  What good can possibly come from a movie about the nerd version of Mardi Gras?  People only go to Comic Con for 3 reasons.

1. They’re a collector trying to clog up the lines and make us hate their greedy guts.
2. They’re a Twilight fan and therefore reminding us that EMO kids have jobs too.
3. They wanna get their Frak on.

Believe it or not, this dude has a webcomic character based on him at Hijinks Ensue

Look at this poor guy to the right dressed as Kratos.  Don’t make fun of him. That’s you motherfucker.  …maybe with a little more chest hair, but that is you at Comic Con.

Don’t deny it.

I went out and bought a gas mask from and army surplus store to go with a trench coat and fedora specifically so I could spend Halloween as Wesley Dodds. It was 89 degrees in New Orleans.  I may as well have stuck my face in a deep fat frier.  And do you think I learned my lesson?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Do you think there is any chance I won’t be rocking that ridiculous get up, strapped with a Super Soaker at a Con near you???

I’m a geek!  I live for that shit!

Now try putting that on camera.

It’s like a viral video bonanza waiting to happen.  People are going to devote drinking games to this movie.  The jocks that beat you up in High School are going to shit themselves laughing as you run up to Felicia Day in full 3rd level Mage garb to get her to sign your copies of The Guild Season 2.

Think about it. You know how you watch the Big Bang Theory and laugh at their nerdery in that familiar its-funny-cuz-its-true way?   Then Sheldon does something that’s funny but bizarre.  Now take out the laugh track. This could easily be an uncomfortably sad film about the Simpsons’ Comic Book Guy come to life.

There’s nothing wrong with being that guy, provided you change your underwear and limit ogling the Christina Hendricks scenes on your Firefly DVDs to once a few times a week. We’ve all spent time in acts of geekery that could easily render us virgins for the rest of our lives.  And I don’t regret a moment of it. I’m still debating on that Babylon 5 tattoo with the Crusade Sword and Shield emblem. Being a geek is pretty great.  But put it on film and there’s the small possibility this could happen to you.

Probably not.  But you never know.

Really though, what are the odds you’re going to see two hours of this?

no words, just emotions.

Avengers #1: Maybe Give Someone Else a Turn…

// May 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, commentary

courtesy of Monty of Welcome to Border City

I’m neither a Bendis hater nor apologist.  I think BMB does some fantastic work (Ultimate Spider-man) and some shitty work (Ult. Comics Spider-man).  His stylized pause- and- comma- after- every- other- word dialogue doesn’t bother me. (Well, sometimes it bothers me.)   In fact he has done more than a few books that I loved, including the recent miniseries Siege.

But after 7 years of running the Avengers (and somewhat by extension, the entire Marvel Universe), I think maybe he needs to take a break.

Avengers #1 reboots the franchise for something like the fourth time since Avengers Disassembled, this time under the new Heroic Age.  That’s a lot damn reboots.  In fact, if you look at Bendis’ acclaimed New Avengers, its hard to see the book as an actual series rather an intermediary between event books.   Now New Avengers itself will be rebooting and continuing on in June — curiously with the exact same creative team it had before.

The main series, The (adjective-less) Avengers seems to replace Mighty Avengers as the one true Avengers under the helm of Bendis and Marvel legend John Romita jr.

JRjr is one of my favorite pencilers.  Honestly, I just think he’s brilliant.  And as one of Marvel’s best, it makes sense to relaunch their premier super-team with him on art.

So if I like Bendis and I like Romita, what’s the problem?

Avengers #1 bores the shit out of me.

Sorry, but there it is.

Despite the talents of these creators, neither brings their A-game and they never manage to bring it together in an interesting way.   For all intents and purposes this is just your average “getting the band together” issue, filled with quasi-philosphical speeches by Steve Rogers.   There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it hardly merits the pomp an circumstance that Marvel is putting into it.

When Bendis wrote Avengers Re-Assembled nearly a decade ago, he actually came up with a story to justify putting together a new team.  Did Captain America’s reasoning on this make any sense or manage to explain why they needed New Avengers instead of the old ones?   No.  Not even slightly. It still doesn’t make sense.   But at least he tried.  This time it feels more like someone bowled a strike and the machine is simply re-stacking the pins.  It’s so routine, why bother?

Also, the new team itself doesn’t feel new at all. Instead it feels like Bendis is trying to convince you that you’re seeing something new.  It’s as if he’s a shitty hypnotist waving his hands eerily at you and repeating “you’re feeling sleepy” in melodic tones.  This Avengers team is almost exactly like the New Avengers teams, plus Thor and Hawkeye from the old Avengers teams.   Oh and Cap and Steve are having the exact same conversation they’ve been having since the 60′s.   And no one wants to read about that.  Everyone knows a pair of friends that argues all the time about stupid shit just because that’s what they do.  But most of the time you aren’t forced to listen to it.  In fact you’d probably tell them to shut the hell up after a while.

Another cast member with obvious problems is Spider-man.  I’ve always contended that it makes sense for Peter to be on the team, since he’s had more experience than any hero save Cap and Wolverine.  The problem is Bendis doesn’t seem to know how to separate Ultimate Spider-man from the 616 version.  In Ult. Spider-man, a title Bendis has written for a decade now, Peter is still a teenage boy and relatively new to being a hero.   In the regular Marvel Universe, Peter is a grown man.  He’s unlikely to be easily shocked when Thor blows a villain through a window, because frankly he’s fought alongside Thor for years.  And yet when that happens, he acts like I would if I were 12 and just met Bruce Willis (which is to say, I might pee my pants… hypothetically).   It’s kind of an issue for a main character.

Spider-man, Spider-man... sandwiched between Thor and Iron Man... is he strong, listen bud...

There is one major change to the cast, and that is the leadership of Maria Hill.  Steve Rogers chose her because IT’S SHOCKING she was the best “man” for the job.   Now, I might point out that Steve Rogers has no way of knowing this since he died right after she became the temporary head of SHIELD, a job which she admitted to being completely wrong for in a scene Bendis himself wrote.  I might also point out that Maria Hill has constantly proven herself inept in superhuman situations and isn’t all that good at leading people.  I might point that out, but really- why bother?

Now as to the art… remember what I said about loving John Romita?  That’s only about half true.  I love about half of his work.  I was absolutely floored by books like his Amazing Spider-man run with J. Michael Straczynski, his X-Men work with Chris Claremont  and even World War Hulk.   Hell, one of my very first comics was the last chapter of Armor Wars 2 in Invincible Iron Man.  But then he goes and does something like The Sentry miniseries.   A lot of JRjr’s worst work is easily (though not totally) attributable to the inker.  Romita is someone who absolutely requires an inker with a lighter style.  When paired with an inker with a heavy hand, like oh, say… Klaus Janson, his panels come out dark, splotchy and really, really ugly.

So three guesses who they paired him with?

Now I’m not insulting Janson.  The man is a legendary inker (in as much as inkers are legends), having worked on a litany of high profile projects, including Frank Miller’s Dardevil run and The Dark Knight Returns.   This man can ink the hell out of a comic.  But he’s just a bad choice to pair with Romita.  I know that’s ironic since Romita is the main person he is paired with besides Miller, but it’s true.

Why so serious?

And again, it’s not totally Janson’s fault either.  Iron Man looks fucking terrible.  IRON MAN.  A character Romita has drawn for years.   The new armor was designed to look more organic.  Unfortunately Romita can’t seem to wrap his head around that, and each panel he appears in makes I.M. look like a bulky monstrosity.  Plus, the mouth piece always seems to look like Heath Ledger’s face in The Dark Knight.  I don’t know why.

And then there are more than a few panels that look incredibly rushed.  The panel that introduces Maria Hill, for example.   Between the artist, the inker and the colorist, Maria Hill has never looked worse.  In fact I think they drew her as a black woman.   Hill has always been designed as a fair-skinned hispanic woman with graceful features.  Ethnicity aside, in her short appearance in Avengers, she looks like she should be working in an oil refinery.

Which actually brings up a good question.  Where the hell did she go in this book?  As soon as the villain shows up, the entire cast faces him and makes a decision about what they’re going to do next.  Steve and Iron Man are throwing commands left and right.  So what happened to the woman Steve selected to lead them?  Shouldn’t she be involved?

The book isn’t a total waste.  The premise of the story, a time- travel adventure is suitably wacky and a very old school Avengers thing to do.  It’s kind of bizarre that Bendis chose to base his initial arc on a poorly-sold direct-to-DVD animated children’s film.  Maybe it’s a marketing ploy to get me to rent the movie.  (It’s working.)  Still, I’m a sucker for future apocalypse stories, so I’m in long enough to see how that plays out.

The villains intrigue me, even if they couldn’t resist putting Ultron (an overused villain of late) in it somewhat.  And I like the idea of Wonder Man just being randomly crazy.

If this was just a random issue in a story, it would probably get decent marks.  But these days the big two comic companies will use any excuse to print a new #1 issue (Wolverine’s title along has seen 3 in the last decade), and as a fan I say enough is enough.  If you’re going to reboot a book, there better be a damned good reason or an absolutely stunning story.  Otherwise you’re just exacerbating the exhaustion fans have been feeling for the last 5 years or so.  Are we really that far away from the decadence that blew the market in the 90s?

Get with it, Marvel.  And maybe after this story is over… maybe it’s time to actually try something different and give a new writer a shot at the Avengers.  Bendis can focus on the other 18 titles he writes.

Your –weekly?— nerdgasm

// April 20th, 2010 // No Comments » // Humor, Nerdgasm, Scifi, Television

why aren't I watching Mad Men right now??

Esquire Magazine posted some pics and a recent interview with Christina Hendricks, better known as Joan Holloway of Mad Men.  Of course geeks will always remember her as Saffron, the rogue prostitute and thief who “married” Mal Reynolds on Joss Whedon’s Firefly.

Ohhhhh sweetsassymolassey…   I would graphically molest a telephone pole in front of a public school if I could get a week with Christina Hendricks.  She is… and I quote… built like brick shithouse.

oh my god i wish my penis was a watermelon

Thanks to Pop Candy for the link.

Your Not-Even-Close-to-Daily Nerdgasm

// April 13th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Humor, Nerdgasm, Scifi, Television

I’ve never been exposed much to Doctor Who.  As a kid I thought it was some off shoot/ rip off of Hitch Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy or something.  A couple of years ago I got into Torchwood, but I still missed out on the main show.  I was kinda digging the David Tennant one off specials that were airing on BBCAmerica for the last year.   Now I’m still not that big a fan of the Doctor, but… I am very much on board… because… well…

rug... curtains... match... flame... red.... agrhjlkjlj.kjkljlknm.,.....

Amy Pond.  Or more accurately Karen Gillan who plays Amy Pond, the Doctor’s new companion.  I may not freak out over the last remaining Time Lord but hot damn I can get behind a smokin’ red head.

Oh Amy… Amy Pond…  You have no idea how much bad erotic fan fic I’m going to write about you over the coming year.   Not to mention dirty haiku’s.

Seriously people, if Karen had been on board with David Tennant this show would be the President of the United States right now.

oh lord, PLEASE have handcuffs on you!

Not a chance, Matt Smith. Don't even think it.

My only real complaint is that she’s paired with Matt Smith.  He may make a fine Doctor, but for crepes sakes– he looks like someone slapped a bow tie on Gollum.  Look at him!  There is dude who wants his precious.

Fat Hobbit helps The Master.

Your Daily Nerdgasm -updated

// April 1st, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies

Yahoo has a slew of new stills from the upcoming Iron Man 2 film, including a new poster feat. Scarlet Johansson as Natasha Romanov.  Honestly between Tony and Rhodey having a full-on Iron Brawl and Scarlett filling out those tights, there is a very good chance I’m going to be arrested for public indecency when I see this thing.

Also be sure to check out the new movie website Starkexpo.  There’s a reference to Stark- Fujikawa on the site.  S-F is what becomes of Stark Industries in the Marvel 2099 Universe.  I have no idea what the reference means on the site.

UPDATE  Marvel has put up the official Iron Man 2 site, complete with a gallery featuring old and new pics.

5 Things I Want to See from James Robinson’s JLA

// February 19th, 2010 // 1 Comment » // Comics, Humor

No idea what's going on here.

If there’s a title that’s more of a mess at DC than JLA, I don’t know what it is.

It’s fair to say that since it’s beginnings, both company and creator alike have virtually ass-raped their flagship book to the extent that it’s been somewhat of a non-book since Brad Meltzer left a few years back.  What I mean by that is instead of being a normal ongoing series, JLA has become an ongoing tie-in series to whatever event DC is having at any given time.  Considering everything pre-Blackest Night sucked, that is an EXTREMELY bad place to be for a series.

So after a three-issue false start (which was a Blackest Night tie in; SURPRISE!) James Robinson and Mark Bagley truly begin their their new JLA run with issue 41.  DC apparently wanted to hold out for the end of Blackest Night  and Cry for Justice before letting the duo off their leash.  Of course, since Blackest Night is running late and issue 41 takes a piss on the ending of Cry for Justice, I’m not sure why they bothered.

But regardless, we’re finally here.  I’m all set for the beginning of the Robinson/ Bagley era of JLA.  Having read the first issue with the new roster, I thought I would share a few hopes that I have for Robinson’s run.

1. Be Yourself.  It’s what your Mama told you on your first day of school, and it’s damn good advice.  If there’s one commonality of the various things I heard said of Cry for Justice, it’s this:  ”Finally! THIS is a James Robinson book!”  For the first time since Robinson’s return, it felt like he wasn’t being ghost written.

The reason, I think, is pretty simple.  Cry for Justice was entirely his baby.  Since coming back, it’s the only thing he’s done that has been uniquely his own.  Which makes me worry a little about JLA.  For one thing, the roster is nowhere near as wild as the one he picked for C4J, which leads me to believe he didn’t pick most of them.  But no worries, he could still knock this one park.  But Mr. Robinson, if you’re not going to give this your all, then by all means quit while you’re ahead.  Go do something creator owned. Do something you really want to do.  You were at one time among my absolute favorite writers.  Be that man again.

2. Keep it real.  One of the great things about having Mark Bagley as a penciler is that he can draw absolutely anything (and on time!).   SO yeah, he can draw crazy, bombastic fight scenes full of ‘splodey goodness… but he can also give you intimate, emotive moments as well.  Make sure this is as much about the characters as it is the capes.

3. Break stuff.  Maybe I’m just a prick, but for me the absolute best moment in Cry for Justice was seeing Roy Harper maimed and beaten half to death.  Don’t get me wrong, I think Roy is an awesome character (aside from currently being saddled with a really stupid Alex Ross costume and name), but the fact is that moment was a game changer.  I’m not saying you should just start killing off JLA members… but one or two couldn’t hurt.  *cough* Dr Light *cough cough*

4.  Remember your history.  One of the best things about Starman was Robinson’s reverence for the past and willingness to revisit the golden oldies.  The JLA may not be as old as the Justice Society, but there’s still plenty there to be mined.  Show us why the world needs a JLA, even one that would have Vibe as a member.

5. Jack Knight.  Stop being a dick, Robinson.  You know we want it.  One issue.  I don’t care if he flies or gets drunk and takes a piss on Mon El’s booties.  You teased us with the Blackest Night Starman.   GIve us what we want old man.  DO IT, and maybe… just maybe, we’ll forgive you for writing LXG.  (But probably not)

Go get’em Robinson.

Headlines

// February 15th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, Rumor

I’m a little late for my Week in Comics segment, but I have a good excuse.  I’m incredibly lazy.  So let’s jump right into it, shall we?

Marvel seems to be the big winner on headlines this week.

This morning it was announced that Marvel is taking the adjective from Astonishing X-Men and making it into an entire line.  It’s supposed to be some sort of low continuity series line so that new readers can jump right into the Marvel world.  I liked this idea better when it was called their Ultimate line.

So far they’ve announced the new team on Ast. X-Men and one new series: Astonishing Wolverine/ Spider-man which is a team up book by Jason Aaron and Adam Kubert.

Why does Cyclops look like a bouncer for a gay night club?

Warren Ellis will be joined by Kaare Andrews for his third Astonishing arc.  I’m fairly impressed with the designs even if Emma, Scott and Hisako look like rejects from FAME and Wolverine seems the doing his best impression of Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. It may be worth noting that Beast looks a little closer to his original blue fur form.  That may just be an odd angle though.

Also? You can totally see Ororo’s boobs. Nice.

After recently announcing that they would be canceling the entire Avengers line, Marvel came back with a new line-up.  So far they’ve announced Hawkeye, Spider-woman, Bucky Cap, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine and Spider-man.  They claim this isn’t the full line up and considering the guy girl ratio is 7 to 1, you can bet on Mockingbird and possibly Jessica Jones.   Bendis is on board, along with JRJR and Klaus Janson.  I’m a huge Romita Jr fan, but Klaus Janson is too dark an inker.  He works best with someone who has a lighter touch.   New Avengers has been a solid series under Bendis, so rebooted number aside, I expect this to be a great series.

Can the same be said for Secret Avengers?

Ignited by a series of cryptic roster silhouettes, the internet buzz has been heavy on this series by Ed Brubaker and Mike Deodato Jr.  There’s been speculation that this is a follow up to Dark Avengers.  Personally, I’m nixing that guess.  One: it’s two easy. And secondly the only reason people think that is bc Deodato was the Dark Avengers artist and one of the promos resembles Venom.  The truth is there are about a thousand Spider-man clones out there, figuratively and literally.

The bigger tip-off may be the adjective.  I’m thinking Secret Avengers is going to be Fury’s team.  Brubaker is brilliant at spy stories, as evidenced by the last few years on Captain America.

Unfortunately we’ll have to wait until after Seige before we get any real answers.

Last but not least, Marvel is kicking off yet another cosmic event with the resurrection of the Mad Titan in The Thanos Imperative: Ignition. Thanos was killed by current Guardian of the Galaxy member, Drax the Destroyer.

I want this cover to have my awesome babies.

The Thanos Imperative comes on the heels of the non-event Realm of Kings and once again involves The Fault, a rip in time/space from which all sorts of Lovecraftian badness is coming.  In addition to Thanos, the event will also focus on Adam Warlock’s evil side, The Magus.  The Magus has sprung up in several different forms throughout the years, most recently as the half the embodiment of Warlock’s soul in  the Infinity War (mid-90′s).

No real solids on this series either, but this is now the fourth Cosmic event in as many years. Abnett and Lanning have left the cosmic end of Marvel in far better shape than the regular universe, but it’s still more event fatigue.   That said, it probably will be a good series, so if you can stomach one more cross-over, go for it.

Speaking of events, DC leads off with the covers to this Summer’s Return of Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne does Philip Marlowe? I'm SO in!

Each of the six covers illustrates the different eras that Batman will fight his way through as he battles back to the current timeline. We’ll see Bat-cave man (heh, i made a punny), Captain Bat Sparrow, Witch hunter Batman, Gunslinger Batman and Detective Batman… which isn’t all that conceptually different from regular Bruce, but looks awesome nonetheless.

Morrison has stated that this story doesn’t rewrite the DCU’s history so much as add definition to it.  Apparently Batman was getting things done.

I’m on the fence with this one.  It looks like a fun Batman story, but on the other hand Morrison has been seriously off his rocker since Final Crisis #1.  This may be the most polarizing of Morrison’s work yet… but not likely.

Another major story is in the offing over in the Superman corner of the DCU.  War of the Supermen will be known as the “100 minute war”.  The story is a four parter set in 25 minute increments by James Robinson and Sterling Gates, based on the plans of Geoff Johns.  According to Robinson’s twitter, DC Blogger Alex Segura came up with the concept of the 100 minute war.  Basically it’s a war fought in super-speed.

Okay… that’s just gorram cool.  I haven’t really been in with Supes since the New Krypton arc, but hot damn this sounds like it’s worth trying.

DC’s Brightest Day series has a few more details.  A new cover features the original Aquaman apparently reborn after the events of Blackest Night.   The character has been gone since a failed reboot of the series during DC’s One Year Later stories.

too much tequilla will do that to you, Arthur.

Also post- Blackest Night, the Green Lantern Corps will spin off a third series (fourth if you count Brightest Day).   Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors will star everyone’s favorite ring-wielding jack ass, Guy Gardner.  The series will be written by Peter Tomasi who is departing GLC.  Tomasi will in turn be replaced by Tony Bedard.

Okay, on the one hand that’s way too many Green Lantern series.  On the other, Guy Gardner is bad ass.  As for GLC, Tony Bedard is a really talented writer who seems to keep getting crappy jobs.  Hopefully Green Lantern Corps will turn that around.

Oh, and in other GL news, Ganthet goes from being Guardian of the Blue Lanterns to bitch-job of grunt ring-slinger for the Green Corps.  No idea why.

That’s it for this week.  I’ll try to be less lazy this weekend.

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

// February 6th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies, Review

*I wrote this on my old blog last May.  It was pretty entertaining.

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream.

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie

The Week In Comics

// January 16th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, Rumor

Well, DC has been fisting the community with news this week via their Source Blog.  Some exciting.  Some— well. Anyway. But their DEFINITELY  heavy hitter on comics news this week.  I’ll start with their competitors.

—The big news from Marvel this week comes courtesy of IGN.    Marvel has decided to end all of their Avengers titles after their Siege event.   Expect more news soon regarding these possible replacements.

New New Avengers

Avengers: the Cash Initiative

Mighty Predictable Avengers

and Captain America:  Publicity Stunts Reborn.

Can Marvel be any more predictable with this shit?   New number ones, followed in two years by original number reboots.  Wash, rinse, repeat.   It’s so tiring.  We all know this is just a reason to bump up cover prices on “special event” issues.   The current Avengers line is just fine by me.  Bendis and Immonen have been tearing. it. up. on New Avengers.  Stuart Immonen is a rock star.   And while Dan Slott’s Mighty Avengers is a mixed bag, it’s usually a mixed bag full of goodies.  I find his Robo-banging, bitch-slapping, cross dressing, Scientist Supreme Hank Pym to be one of the funner characters in comics right now.  And honestly, why doesn’t marvel have a shirt with him saying “Dr. Richards?  It’s on, bitch.”  I’d buy that. Dark Avengers is pretty crazy fun as well.  The only real strike is Initiative which I dropped when they became the Avenger counter strike too long a name should have stayed the New Warriors and why exactly is Tigra leading–  what was I saying again?

Marvel, if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.  But, hey- maybe we’ll get a proper Young Avengers title back.

—The other news that’s been hinted at is that their follow up to Dark Reign will be the Heroic Age.

ENOUGH.  Enough Marvel.  No more special events.  No more cover branding.  No more line-wide title connections.  Give us three years.  Just three years to rest up from event fatigue.  Allow your writers to tell their own stories.  Sales might actually go up.  Because I guarantee you this.  I won’t be reading any more events after this year. Not for a long while.  Enough is enough.

On to DC

—There’s going to be a comic series named Legends to compliment DC’s MMORPG that’s been long in the works.

I don’t care.  NEXXXXXXT!

—Geoff Johns will be penning Tiny Titans #25 with the regular crew, and bringing in Superboy.

This kind of pisses me off.  The regular Teen Titans series has been a mess since Johns left following the Titans East storyline.  That’s the series that needs a prominent writer coming aboard along with Conner Kent.  Not necessarily Johns, but somebody. Kid Eternity is a freaking Titan.  What the hell?

And speaking of Titans East…

— the adjective-less Titans series will be getting a revamp and a new roster headed up by Deathstroke.

This isn’t the first time Deathstroke has started a Titans team.  He did it in the afore-mentioned Titans East storyline.  That said, this series was utter shite since it’s inception.  Deathstroke and the Titans killing people sounds good to me. Rock on, people.

—The Birds of Prey are BACK!

WHAT UP!   Gail Simone and Ed Benes return Babs, Black Canary and company to glory.  Why was this series cancelled in the first place?  Fuck Batgirl.  I want my Birds!   Nobody writes strong female characters like Simone  —well, except maybe Whedon. But then he kills them.

—Paul Levitz back on Legion of Superheroes

I loved what Johns did with the legion in Action Comics and ESPECIALLY Legion of 3 Worlds.   Levitz is one of two legends when it comes to LoSH.  Add to that the spectacular art they’ve shown from new artist Yildray Cinar– I’m excited.  This is a book I definitely want to see.

—The Flash and JLA will be under the Brightest Day banner

I’ll be reading Robinson’s JLA, but I’m done with Flash.  I’ve been burned way too many times with this Barry crap.  Why did Johns bother bringing back Wally and Bart considering they’ve been COMPLETELY off the radar for the better part of a year?  And Barry suck.  Big time.

Dear DC, I’m on Team Coco and Team Wally.

And speaking of Brightest Day…

—DC creates two twice monthly series post- Blackest Night.

This is the big news of the week.   But… well,  remember what I said to Marvel about event fatigue?

This is the year that could break the camel’s toe.   Blackest Night is kicking ass right now.  I’m not in love with the execution, but I’m definitely digging the story.   So do I want to find out what happens in Brightest Day?  Absolutely.  The odds are it’s going to have a lot to do with the various colored corps  (I feel so racist every time I say that) and Dawn Granger: White Lantern (oh you KNOW it’s coming).   Still, this and Generation Lost effective constitute DC’s fifth weekly series.

And DC needs to let this shit go.  52 was uneven, but mostly good.  Countdown was so bad it made me want murder kittens.  And Trinity— UGH.  Sure, Wednesday Comics was pretty great, but now it’s time to be done with it.  Is there any reason Brightest Day can’t be constrained to Green Lantern and GLC? And Generation Lost- no one knows anything about it besides the fact that it stars the infamous JLI and is co-written by everyone’s favorite comics curmudgeon, Keith Giffen.   They sound good- so I’m withholding judgment. I’ll try them.  But after this-  I’m done.  Do you hear me, DC?  I’m done.

No more events.  no more mutants.  and no more events.

This has been the week in comics.