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The LOST Epilogue is Bullshit

// August 9th, 2010 // No Comments » // Nerdgasm, Review, Rumor, Scifi, Television

So at some point the 12 minute epilogue to LOST (the one that producers Cuse and Lindelof implied would finally give some fucking answers) was leaked online.  It was quickly taken down in most places bc they want you to buy the DVD sets in order to watch it.

I managed to watch it here.  Go watch it now because it will be taken down, probably soon.  I’m not embedding it here, bc I don’t want the hassle.

Honestly, the whole thing was another major dick move by the LOST crew.  Of the 12 minutes they give you, 6 of them were another Dharma Initiative film which explained where the Polar Bears come from.  I think we can all agree, of the dangling plot threads left, the polar bear mystery was one of the least necessary for them to answer.  The last 3 minutes of it are by far the most interesting, and all they really do it tease you with good shit then tell you to kiss their ass, bc you’ll never see it.

Fuck the DVD set.   They should have just let the show end with the finale rather than be assholes about it.

(PS if its taken down by the time you read this, the only good part of the video should be up on Topless Robot.)

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: Avengers #2

// June 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Review

Dude, Wonder Man needs to lay off the roids. They make your package smaller.

Avengers is officially a frustrating book.

It’s like Bendis is actively trying to piss me off.

If you read my review of the first issue, you know I wasn’t a fan.  Sure there was enough there in the final pages to make me give it one last try, but it was honestly just a bad comic.

Avengers #2 is vastly improved from the first issue; which is to say it doesn’t bore the crap out of me.  In fact, I found a lot of the issue to be fairly entertaining.  Not all.  But a lot.    And that’s why it’s so damned frustrating.  This book constantly teases at the possibility of being good, but then hits you with some kind of hammy bullshit.

The Good

First of all, the art is vastly improved.  There are a few panels and instances that suck. (For instance, one splash page features exquisite foregrounds, while the backgrounds look like they were drawn by an 8 year old- including a shot of Wolverine curling Spider-Woman’s hair with his claws.)  Mostly though, Romita seems to be getting into a groove.  Janson’s inks are toned down so much that I honestly wonder if he really inked it.

Also, Romita’s handling of Iron Man’s new costume is sliiiiiiiiightly better.  The armor is a little less bulky.  And the mask doesn’t look quite like Heath Ledger’s face in Dark Knight.

As to the story itself… if last issue was the recruitment story, this is a purely expository issue.  A lot of things happen, but none of it really advances much of the plot.  Well, not much.  However what is does is introduce us to the newest Avenger (and hint: it ain’t the purple dude on the cover).  I don’t want to give away this character’s identity, but he’s a welcome surprise.  Oddly enough I had just been wondering a week ago what Marvel was doing with him. Glad to see he won’t just go back in the toy box and fall into obscurity.

The Bad

I sincerely wonder if Brian Michael Bendis doesn’t just hate Matt Fraction’s guts.  Because every single utterance from Tony Stark in Avengers pisses all over the work Fraction is doing in Invincible Iron Man.  I’ve said it before: Tony Stark is no longer rich.  He’s openly stated he has nothing in the way of solid assets.  He actually borrowed equipment and resources from Reed Richards to build his armor.   Not to mention the fact that he seems a lot more humble after basically tearing up the Marvel U for the last few years.  So why does Bendis have him tossing (or offering) around millions of dollars like it was nothing and swaggering around like the same old jackass he was writing in Mighty Avengers.   That’s the thing about working for big companies like Marvel.  You’re playing with other people’s toys… and most of the time you’re not the only one playing with that particular “Transformer”.  By ignoring Fraction’s work, Bendis effectively dismisses him as a writer.  After all, which story is likely to be canon, a big reboot of the Avengers or an Iron Man solo title?

Plus, he still seems to be ordering around Maria Hill even though SHE is the team leader.  What the hell, Bendis?

And then there’s Simon Williams.  I don’t think I’m giving anything away by telling you Wonder Man goes rogue this issue. (It’s on the cover after all.)   Despite his admittedly cool new look, Wonder Man’s appearance comes off rather ridiculous.   He shows up out of the blue, pick a fight and literally vanishes without a trace.   And then two seconds later another villain shows up without explanation.  So to recap, in two issues time three villains show up in a row, blow up part of Avengers tower and then disappear. (Although technically I don’t know what happens with the last villain.)  No particular reason; they just do.

The Ugly

Avengers seems to be Bendis’ comic version of a Michael Bay film.  And it isn’t the Michael Bay of Bad Boys 2 or Armageddon.  It’s Transformers 2 Bay.   There’s absolutely no character development here.  Despite the presence of bigwigs like Spidey, Captain America, Wolverine and Thor, they all just feel like chess pieces there to be knocked over during the next explosion.  And there is ALWAYS a next explosion.  From what little we see of the plot, I can guess the connecting threads including Wonder Man’s strange change of heart, but isn’t quite enough.

This book has one last issue to impress me.  If all Avengers amounts to is super powered Fight Club, I’m done.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner

// June 17th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Review, commentary

If there was a competition between Avengers and New Avengers, NA would be the hands down winner.   There is no question that New Avengers is a better book.

(Writer’s note: from here on in there are one or two spoilers. Reader beware.)

In my review of the adjectiveless- Avengers, I said Brian Michael Bendis needed to step down from writing Earth’s Mightiest Heroes and let some other writer steer the ship.   After reading NA #1, I’ve changed my mind.  Bendis is clearly the man to be writing NA.  After all, it’s his baby.  Bendis had been a big name for some time before he wrote Avengers Dis-assembled, but New Avengers #1 is what cemented him as one of the biggest writers in the industry.

And with good reason. Despite all the missteps over the course of the last volume of NA (wherein it became a repository for any loose plot threads from the Event comic of the week), Bendis and his collaborators (conspirators?) brought prestige back to the Avengers.  Once again these characters were the center of the Marvel Universe.  They were even out-selling X-Men titles.

One of the best things about New Avengers #1 is that it actually feels like it deserved this reboot.  The last volume ended badly with New Avengers Finale.  Bryan Hitch gave us the ugliest comic I’ve seen he drew Captain America Rebirth (… or was that a different comic?). Still, the last volume tied up nicely with the end of the Hood, who was probably the closest thing to the New Avengers having an arch enemy.

Number One starts fresh and clean.   Steve Rogers wants Avengers new and old to come together as a super hero army under the new SHIELD (which for some reason is apparently going to be called Avengers as well, I suppose bc Bendis isn’t very good at naming things).  But when he approaches Luke Cage with this proposition, Cage has a logical retort. Why the hell did they fight the Civil War?!  Why were they on the run from the law for a year being hunted by friends and enemies alike if they were just going to sign up anyway?

Rogers is a great leader and hero, but he’s not very good with explaining things.  His answer amount to {“Uhh… because?}.  Effectively, Rogers thinks its different because he’s in charge now.  Kind of makes you wonder if the whole Civil War was more about Rogers’ ego than the cause of liberty and freedom.

Luke and a few of the others say “no”.  And as an aside, this is strange.  Three of the New Avengers (Spidey, Wolvie and, uhh… Hawkey?) are on both teams.  But if they agree with Cage, that makes no sense.  More on that in a bit.

Tony Stark sells Cage the apparently recently rebuilt Avengers Mansion for a dollar and they’re told they can start their own team.  Again, this doesn’t make a whole lot of sense.  Stark is BROKE.  So 1) how can he afford to rebuild a high tech mansion and 2) what kind of moron sells one of his biggest assets for a dollar??  It’s no wonder this moron lost his corporation.

From there he builds his team.  This is probably my biggest problem with NA.  It’s a good team, but it doesn’t feel solid.  As noted, 3 member serve on both teams, and Wolverine is on like 7 teams.  There’s an amusing moment where they address Logan’s bizarre tendency to be everywhere at once, but I have a better question.  How is this dude not homeless?  He’s fighting half of the Marvel U on any given week.  Where does he get his money?  Do the Avengers pay him to kill people? I bet they do. Whenever Tony needs to get rid of a prostitute, they call Logan. Not cool Steve Rogers; not cool.

…where was I?

Right.  The team seems strangely in-flux.  It’s a minor complaint, but an annoying one. Truthfully, they never fully announce Cage as the new leader.  He seems more like the main character than the man in charge.

One surprising new element is the placement of Victoria Hand.  Rogers, for some unexplained reason, has the most hated woman in the country waiting in Avengers Mansion to let them know she’s their new second in command.  Now, it makes no sense for Rogers to do this without telling Cage and crew beforehand.  It’s like he’s taking over for Ashton Kutcher on MTV’s Punk’d (I’d watch that).  In any case, Hand is presented in the same manner as she was when she worked for Norman Osborn, as the voice of reason.  Again, that’s strange because this woman clearly has worse judgment in people than Nicole Brown Simpson.   But the character is interesting.  I think Bendis wants to redeem Hand the way Fraction redeemed Maria Hill in the pages on Invincible Iron Man.

You may have noticed I seem to be complaining a lot about a book I supposed like.  Well, I’m overly critical.  But I enjoyed the hell out of New Avengers #1.  It’s a solid team book with a great cast and crew.

You may have also noticed than I haven’t said one damn thing about the art.  That’s because all I can really say is that it’s gorgeous.  Stuart Immonen is the man.  That dude could draw my fat ass naked in the shower and show it to potential girlfriends and I would still love him.

Whilst reading, you can’t help but feel Bendis’ affection for this book and the characters. This is clearly a fun book for him and Immonen.  Whereas the regular Avengers title feels like he’s a big kid playing in someone else’s over-sized sandbox, New Avengers is a more natural fit. I look forward to a long run from these two.

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly: A-Team Edition

// June 15th, 2010 // No Comments » // Movies, Nerdgasm, Review, Television, commentary

I'm pretty sure this film was Plan B.

Of the three beloved television properties of my youth, A-Team is the last to be adapted into a live action film.  But unlike Transformers and Dukes of Hazard,  A-Team is the first one that doesn’t manage to disappoint on most levels.

It doesn’t disappoint, but neither does it impress.  A-Team is a movie that strives for greatness in annals of summer blockbuster history, but instead shrugs and settles for an appreciative “not bad”.   This is clearly yet another movie that  needed more time to… ahem… mature.   The sadness of it all is that with maybe two more drafts and a stronger director it might have been every bit the firecracker I could have hoped.

The Good.

As a fan of J.J. Abrams’ Alias, it’s a pleasure to see Bradley Cooper’s star on the rise, from the frat-boy jerk in Wedding Crashers to the frat-boy jerk in The Hangover.    Here he shines as the new face of Templeton “Faceman” Peck.   Cooper is by far the standout in the film, taking t0 his character in unexpected ways.  In the original series, Peck was literally the face of the group, conducting business and cons.  His manner was always reserved and upper crust.   Cooper however brings a brashness and wild charm to Peck that just manages to work even if it shouldn’t.

The other bright spot is B.A. Baracus.  To be fair, I may be biased.  Quentin “Rampage” Jackson is one of my favorite UFC fighters and one of the celebrities I most want to get a beer with… and I hate beer.  Even so, I can’t imagine anyone replacing 80′s icon Mr. T the way Rampage has.   While he won’t go down as the world’s greatest actor, Rampage brings a lot of heart to the role, not to mention the weight of being a legitimate bad ass.  The homage to Mr. T is thankfully subtle, foregoing the gold chains and taking the trademark Mohawk down a few notches.

Perhaps the most welcome surprise is the inclusion of the A-Team’s “MacGuyver-esque” ingenuity.  (Yes, I just used one 80′s reference to describe another.  Sue me.)   As a primetime show in the 80′s, the original A-Team wasn’t allowed to have people shot and killed on screen hard to imagine, isn’t it?).   As such the writers and producers had to have the team find ways to subdue each episode’s villains without resorting to guns.  They usually did this by building traps or even home-made battering rams out of whatever they found lying around.   The first half of the film prominently displays this low-bloodshed/ highbrow form of warfare (although they do use guns in the movie)., though it’s absent throughout the majority of the second half.

The action scenes are intense and bombastic; exactly what you’d expect from a mid-summer blockbuster and what you need from an A-Team film.  Plus– Jessica Biel with guns.

The Bad.

Liam Neeson is no George Peppard.  But then, an honest critic must look inside and come to the conclusion that no one is mother f***ing Hannibal Smith except for the deceased Peppard.  While Neeson is amiable here, he isn’t really much more than a contemporary, midichlorian-less Qui Gon Jin.  He’s acceptable, but awkward.  Perhaps the worst moment in the film comes at the end of the first act when Neeson utters Hannibal’s trademark catchphrase: “I love it when a plan comes together!”  His delivery was so shoddy and awkward that it literally takes you out of the film.  More damning is the fact that later another character says the line and it not only works, but actually excites you.  Bad Qui Gon.  Bad.

Rounding out the cast is… whoever the hell they got to play Howling Mad Murdock.   The original character, played by Dwight Schultz, was played less as crazy (despite his reputation) and more as an eccentric, but oddly lovable.  In modern terms he was the Cosmo Cramer of his day.  The new Murdock, while not terrible, is both ridiculous and off-putting.   He has his moments of decency, but for the most part it felt like the actor was doing a bad imitation of what he thinks Murdock should be like, rather than just playing the role.  I could honestly say I wouldn’t be upset if they replaced him should they make a sequel. But he wasn’t entirely horrible either, so I won’t bitch if they do bring him back… much.

I mentioned the action earlier, which is the biggest draw for a film like this.  Unfortunately not all the action works as intended.  It seems like there’s a trend going on in new films, where directors are constantly trying to one-up each other to create bigger and more astounding stunts.  There are several action sequences here that manage to be entertaining despite the fact that they make no sense.  The heavily advertised tank scene in particular is almost painfully hard to swallow.  The stunt defies so many laws of physics that the average 3rd grade child would have questions about how that could work.   There are also 2 sequences where a helicopter flies upside down.  No, really.   It’s perhaps a minor complaint, but it’s a persistent one throughout the movie.

There’s a rather bizarre subplot where B.A. Baracus decides he’s a semi-pacifist.  B.A.   The dude who beats people to death with his bare hands while screaming “FOOL!”  I’m all for people studying the teachings of Ghandi, but I can’t imagine what kind of moron thought the A-Team was the place to have this discussion.  Weird.

The film’s opening is probably it’s biggest hindrance.  The sequence not only introduces you to the characters, but in fact  introduces them to each other.  The entire thing should have been cut.  It was not only sloppily written, but completely implausible.   I understand the need to show the team together in action before getting to the main plot, but this wasn’t the way to do it.  I would have been happier with a scene where they’re doing their laundry.  A re-write on this one sequence would have gone a long way towards fixing the movie.

The Ugly.

An A-Team adaptation was never going to be high art.  It’s the story about 4 cool, tough soldiers fighting the bad guys when no one else know how.

The thing that Hollywood almost never seems to get when it comes to adapting a beloved property is that you don’t need to do a shot for shot remake.  You just have to get the characters right.   This is why Batman Begins is a success, while Dukes of Hazard made me want to go on a shooting spree.

If nothing else, A-Team got the characters (well… except Murdock…).  And they blew things up.  And again, Jessica Biel with guns. So… yeaaaaahhhh.

Yes, the plot is so paint-by-numbers that I can’t come up with a funny analogy.  And the villains can’t help but be obvious if somewhat compelling.   But when I walked out of that theater, was I whistling that familiar old theme song?

You bet your ass!

Avengers #1: Maybe Give Someone Else a Turn…

// May 25th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, commentary

courtesy of Monty of Welcome to Border City

I’m neither a Bendis hater nor apologist.  I think BMB does some fantastic work (Ultimate Spider-man) and some shitty work (Ult. Comics Spider-man).  His stylized pause- and- comma- after- every- other- word dialogue doesn’t bother me. (Well, sometimes it bothers me.)   In fact he has done more than a few books that I loved, including the recent miniseries Siege.

But after 7 years of running the Avengers (and somewhat by extension, the entire Marvel Universe), I think maybe he needs to take a break.

Avengers #1 reboots the franchise for something like the fourth time since Avengers Disassembled, this time under the new Heroic Age.  That’s a lot damn reboots.  In fact, if you look at Bendis’ acclaimed New Avengers, its hard to see the book as an actual series rather an intermediary between event books.   Now New Avengers itself will be rebooting and continuing on in June — curiously with the exact same creative team it had before.

The main series, The (adjective-less) Avengers seems to replace Mighty Avengers as the one true Avengers under the helm of Bendis and Marvel legend John Romita jr.

JRjr is one of my favorite pencilers.  Honestly, I just think he’s brilliant.  And as one of Marvel’s best, it makes sense to relaunch their premier super-team with him on art.

So if I like Bendis and I like Romita, what’s the problem?

Avengers #1 bores the shit out of me.

Sorry, but there it is.

Despite the talents of these creators, neither brings their A-game and they never manage to bring it together in an interesting way.   For all intents and purposes this is just your average “getting the band together” issue, filled with quasi-philosphical speeches by Steve Rogers.   There’s nothing necessarily wrong with that, but it hardly merits the pomp an circumstance that Marvel is putting into it.

When Bendis wrote Avengers Re-Assembled nearly a decade ago, he actually came up with a story to justify putting together a new team.  Did Captain America’s reasoning on this make any sense or manage to explain why they needed New Avengers instead of the old ones?   No.  Not even slightly. It still doesn’t make sense.   But at least he tried.  This time it feels more like someone bowled a strike and the machine is simply re-stacking the pins.  It’s so routine, why bother?

Also, the new team itself doesn’t feel new at all. Instead it feels like Bendis is trying to convince you that you’re seeing something new.  It’s as if he’s a shitty hypnotist waving his hands eerily at you and repeating “you’re feeling sleepy” in melodic tones.  This Avengers team is almost exactly like the New Avengers teams, plus Thor and Hawkeye from the old Avengers teams.   Oh and Cap and Steve are having the exact same conversation they’ve been having since the 60′s.   And no one wants to read about that.  Everyone knows a pair of friends that argues all the time about stupid shit just because that’s what they do.  But most of the time you aren’t forced to listen to it.  In fact you’d probably tell them to shut the hell up after a while.

Another cast member with obvious problems is Spider-man.  I’ve always contended that it makes sense for Peter to be on the team, since he’s had more experience than any hero save Cap and Wolverine.  The problem is Bendis doesn’t seem to know how to separate Ultimate Spider-man from the 616 version.  In Ult. Spider-man, a title Bendis has written for a decade now, Peter is still a teenage boy and relatively new to being a hero.   In the regular Marvel Universe, Peter is a grown man.  He’s unlikely to be easily shocked when Thor blows a villain through a window, because frankly he’s fought alongside Thor for years.  And yet when that happens, he acts like I would if I were 12 and just met Bruce Willis (which is to say, I might pee my pants… hypothetically).   It’s kind of an issue for a main character.

Spider-man, Spider-man... sandwiched between Thor and Iron Man... is he strong, listen bud...

There is one major change to the cast, and that is the leadership of Maria Hill.  Steve Rogers chose her because IT’S SHOCKING she was the best “man” for the job.   Now, I might point out that Steve Rogers has no way of knowing this since he died right after she became the temporary head of SHIELD, a job which she admitted to being completely wrong for in a scene Bendis himself wrote.  I might also point out that Maria Hill has constantly proven herself inept in superhuman situations and isn’t all that good at leading people.  I might point that out, but really- why bother?

Now as to the art… remember what I said about loving John Romita?  That’s only about half true.  I love about half of his work.  I was absolutely floored by books like his Amazing Spider-man run with J. Michael Straczynski, his X-Men work with Chris Claremont  and even World War Hulk.   Hell, one of my very first comics was the last chapter of Armor Wars 2 in Invincible Iron Man.  But then he goes and does something like The Sentry miniseries.   A lot of JRjr’s worst work is easily (though not totally) attributable to the inker.  Romita is someone who absolutely requires an inker with a lighter style.  When paired with an inker with a heavy hand, like oh, say… Klaus Janson, his panels come out dark, splotchy and really, really ugly.

So three guesses who they paired him with?

Now I’m not insulting Janson.  The man is a legendary inker (in as much as inkers are legends), having worked on a litany of high profile projects, including Frank Miller’s Dardevil run and The Dark Knight Returns.   This man can ink the hell out of a comic.  But he’s just a bad choice to pair with Romita.  I know that’s ironic since Romita is the main person he is paired with besides Miller, but it’s true.

Why so serious?

And again, it’s not totally Janson’s fault either.  Iron Man looks fucking terrible.  IRON MAN.  A character Romita has drawn for years.   The new armor was designed to look more organic.  Unfortunately Romita can’t seem to wrap his head around that, and each panel he appears in makes I.M. look like a bulky monstrosity.  Plus, the mouth piece always seems to look like Heath Ledger’s face in The Dark Knight.  I don’t know why.

And then there are more than a few panels that look incredibly rushed.  The panel that introduces Maria Hill, for example.   Between the artist, the inker and the colorist, Maria Hill has never looked worse.  In fact I think they drew her as a black woman.   Hill has always been designed as a fair-skinned hispanic woman with graceful features.  Ethnicity aside, in her short appearance in Avengers, she looks like she should be working in an oil refinery.

Which actually brings up a good question.  Where the hell did she go in this book?  As soon as the villain shows up, the entire cast faces him and makes a decision about what they’re going to do next.  Steve and Iron Man are throwing commands left and right.  So what happened to the woman Steve selected to lead them?  Shouldn’t she be involved?

The book isn’t a total waste.  The premise of the story, a time- travel adventure is suitably wacky and a very old school Avengers thing to do.  It’s kind of bizarre that Bendis chose to base his initial arc on a poorly-sold direct-to-DVD animated children’s film.  Maybe it’s a marketing ploy to get me to rent the movie.  (It’s working.)  Still, I’m a sucker for future apocalypse stories, so I’m in long enough to see how that plays out.

The villains intrigue me, even if they couldn’t resist putting Ultron (an overused villain of late) in it somewhat.  And I like the idea of Wonder Man just being randomly crazy.

If this was just a random issue in a story, it would probably get decent marks.  But these days the big two comic companies will use any excuse to print a new #1 issue (Wolverine’s title along has seen 3 in the last decade), and as a fan I say enough is enough.  If you’re going to reboot a book, there better be a damned good reason or an absolutely stunning story.  Otherwise you’re just exacerbating the exhaustion fans have been feeling for the last 5 years or so.  Are we really that far away from the decadence that blew the market in the 90s?

Get with it, Marvel.  And maybe after this story is over… maybe it’s time to actually try something different and give a new writer a shot at the Avengers.  Bendis can focus on the other 18 titles he writes.

LOST: Why The End was both awesome and complete bullshit

// May 24th, 2010 // 2 Comments » // Nerdgasm, Review, Scifi, Television, commentary

There is nothing I can say that's funnier than the look on Charlie's face.

The End has come and gone.

Even if you weren’t a fan, it’s hard to deny that one of the most significant shows on television just passed.   The nerdiest show around has left an indelible impression on thousands of people across the world, leaving in its wake a challenge to other shows that will likely be unmet for a long, long time.

Okay so poetic ramblings dispensed, its clear I liked LOST.  So what’s up with the article title? Why did I call The End complete bullshit?

Well, because quite frankly though I consider LOST’s finale to be one of the best series closers I’ve ever seen, it was essentially 2.5 hours of sleight of hand.   The writers and producers of LOST spent so much time thrilling you and warming your heart, that you may have failed to notice they didn’t actually answer many questions, and the main one they did answer makes absolutely no sense.  For a show that’s main appeal is it’s mysteries and mythology, that’s either a really funny joke or incredibly fucked up. Sure, you were never going to get all the answers in a cohesive story (the reasoning of the numbers for instance), but I actually thought they would answer a few.

In truth, the finale actually posed more questions for me.  And that I think is very appropriate. Bravo you sadistic bastards.

Chief among the questions that needed to be answered is this: what is the island? Now, I know the first reaction many will have is that they already answered that in the Richard episode.   No they didn’t.  Jacob said the Island was the cork of evil.  If you actually think that constitutes and answer, you need your fucking head examined.   During the writers strike a couple of years ago,  a LOST writer held up a sign that said something to the effect of {I know what the Island is, do you?}, indicating that if the strike didn’t end well, fans might never have known the answer.  Imagine if LOST had ended then and there.  Now imagine you find yourself in a room with Carlton Cuse, and you ask him “what was the Island??”   He responds  ”it was a cork.”   Now imagine yourself standing over him after you just kicked him in the nuts.

The function of the Island may be to cork evil, but that doesn’t tell you what it is exactly.  Throughout the show, there has been a significant amount of evidence that the Island was reasonably sentient.  That’s not to say it was intelligent specifically, but if The Island wanted the Oceanic 6 to return,  then clearly there’s something going on there.

My final thought was that perhaps the Island was the Garden of Eden.  This seemed to fit somewhat with the mentions of Adam and Eve.   I have no idea if I was right.   I do reject the idea that the Island was Purgatory, despite the fact that it held so many ghosts.  I think the ghosts were there because the Island still needed them.  More on that later.

What the hell was the smoke monster? Again, we got a partial answer here. We know that the smoke monster was released when Jacob threw his brother down into the Goonies cave at the heart of the Island.   Subsequently the Smoke Monster took the form of Jacob’s Brother and occasionally other dead people until getting trapped in Locke’s form (or so it was implied; that might not be the case).  But what was it?  After the Jacob/ MIB episode, I came to believe that the Smoke Monster was Lucifer/ Satan.  It occurred to me that the “evil spirits” that possessed Claire and Sayid may have been other demons from hell.  If that was the case, then DeathLocke/ MIB/ Smokey was trying to get them all killed so more spirits could possess their bodies.  …nope.

Where did all the wine go? Okay yes, that is kind of a joke, but there are serious questions behind it.   What is with all the drinking? Jacob, Richard, Jack and Hurley were all given superpowers by drinking.  The first two got it through drinking wine (which I assume is a reference to the Blood of Christ) and the last two were forced to drink nasty, dirty water.   Which leads me to a better question.  Drinking the wine gave Jacob and Richard their abilities.  But drinking the water didn’t seem to do anything but make Jack stop being such a mopey tool.  Did Jacob give Jack a placebo? I thought maybe Jacob had turned the water into wine, but Hurley clearly drank brown water.  We don’t know what happened to Hurley, so theoretically he could have lived for hundreds of years.   I have my doubts though.

What was up with the Goonies cave? When Jacob thew his brother down the cave at the Heart of the Island, the mere presence of his body released the Smoke Monster.  And yet both Desmond and Jack (not to mention 3 other people standing in the mouth) actually walk up to a literal cork and play with it. Mmm-hmm.  So Desmond takes the stopper out of the magic bathtub and Unicron screams and the Island starts to fall apart.   And then Jack just puts it back in and the bath tub fills up again.   That’s it?  Nothing was released from Hell?  Really?

What happened to Desmond? Widmore asked Desmond to do a job.  The implication was that Desmond was flashing sideways to get the LOST crew together to go to the sideways Island.  But that was a red herring.  The flash sideways world actually was Purgatory.  There would be no reason for Jacob to have Widmore send Desmond to  Purgatory. It doesn’t really seem like Jacob would even know about the sideways universe. So what happened to Desmond when the energy zapped him, and for that matter what the hell changed his mind?

And maybe the most important question.  Did Desmond ever get to see Penny and his son again? At last count, Desmond was stuck on the island with Hurley and Ben.  The plane had taken off.   Since you’re not supposed to be able to find the Island, this poses a problem for our favorite lovesick Scotsman.

Also did Hurley ever get laid?   Everyone loves Hugo.  We know this.  But it seems as though Hurley never managed to get any lovin’.  In theory Hurley could have been stuck on that Island for hundreds of years until his successor came along.  Meanwhile Libby died at the end of the second season without them ever getting together.  Joking aside, no one deserved to be loved more than Hurley, yet it seems like his was the cruelest fate.   Yeah, he eventually died and saw Libby again, but still… hundreds of years alone.

All of these were good questions that I sort of thought would be answered.  My mistake.  Granted, we did get an answer to what the Flash Sideways was.  Purgatory. Or sort of purgatory.  Technically it was a sort of Elysian Fields reference, a place the LOSTies created to find each other again, wherein they did not remember their past lives.

It’s an answer I’m happy with, but I can’t help but feel like this was the LOST writers laughing at us.   All the signs were there that this was an alternate universe.   The image of the Island underwater.  Jack’s imaginary son.  Both Sun and Claire still pregnant.   There was no real reason for these elements  (particularly the Island shot, which was unseen by anyone but the audience) except to screw with us.  I think my biggest question spinning out of the sideways Universe is about the exodus.  Why were some characters left out when they left?  Based on Desmond’s promise to Eloise, Faraday and Charlotte were left in the Purgatory universe.  And even after that very sincere apology and seeming redemption for Ben Linus, he wasn’t allowed to move on.  So why were character like Juliet and Libby allowed in?  And unless I just didn’t notice, neither Walt nor Michael were there.  Was it random?  This is probably the only question that will bother me in the long run.

Pushing aside unanswered questions, I loved the finale.  These are some of my favorite moments.

Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray do some... uhh... stretches.

• Sun and Jin seeing Ji Yeon. (sort of)
• Happy Hurley talking to Boone while Shannon and Sayid make out on a dirty street outside a bar.
• Claire holding hands with Charlie.
• Juliet and Sawyer(one of my 3 favorite couples)  reuniting.
• The final scene between Linus and Locke. (This may be my actual #1 moment.)
• Jack going all Leonidas on DeathLocke.

As you can see, almost all of my favorite parts were in the sideways universe.  Call me a sap, but I love happy endings.

And that may be the biggest surprise for me.  I was quite certain that the finale would end tragically, with almost everyone but Hurley dead. And yes, technically that is how it ended, but it was hardly tragic.   I think there will be a lot of people pissed off by the ending,  and I’ve even suggested that the whole thing was the writers laughing at us.  But I’m happy with it.  It’s rare that a show gives the audience satisfying character resolutions.  Almost every couple in LOST met some tragic end, either together (Sun and Jin) or apart (Kate/ Jack, Charlie/ Claire, Hugo/ Libby, Sawyer/ Juliet and presumably Desmond/ Penny, among others).  Yet in The End they all get to be together again.

In the end (pardon the pun), LOST wasn’t about the Island or the mysteries.  It was about the people whose lives were affected by it.  What’s amazing about LOST is that each of the main character and even some of the secondary characters would merit their own show, yet they manage to pull all these disparate stories together so well and give them complete plot resolutions.

Some people are saying its the best series finale ever.  I won’t go anywhere near that far.  One of the best? Certainly.  But I think the finale proved that they were making it up as they went along (at least until the last two season maybe) and that put a damper on the non- sideways scenes.  But still; great show, fantastic ending.

I hope the BSG’s writing staff was paying attention last night.  THAT’S HOW YOU DO THAT.

He Is Iron Man

// May 8th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Movies, Nerdgasm, Review, commentary

There’s nothing quite like making a sequel to a popular and successful film.  The goal of the sequel is to re-create the same feelings in  the audience that the first film made, but at the same time create something entirely new and not just a re-tread.  Audiences can be brutal when it comes to sequels and beloved franchises.  To coin a phrase, they actually do expect you to re-invent the wheel.

Sometimes an audience’s inability to detach the first film from the second can severely hamper their response. Having read several negative advanced reviews of Iron Man 2, I think maybe this is yet another sequel to suffer from this problem.  The first Iron Man movie was, in my opinion, the best comic adaptation thus far made.  Though it’s spotlight was partially stolen by The Dark Knight, the story of Tony Stark managed to strike a chord with audiences.  Both Tony and Bruce Wayne (Batman) are similar characters in many ways, but whereas Bruce’s adventures on screen thrilled us and chilled us, Tony charmed the pants off of us– in the case of some young ladies, quite literally.

While it is far from a perfect film, the further adventures of Iron Man are even more (if you’ll pardon the pun) incredible.  The first film managed to overcome the typical slow-burning superhero origin story that hampers so many adaptations. (This problem practically crushed M Night Shyamalan’s plans for an Unbreakable trilogy.)   Iron Man 2 literally jumps right into the action almost from the first frame, as Iron Man jumps from a military transport- for some reason- and lands on a stage at Stark Expo 2010.  From there the film begins a race against time that will either lead to a drunk and well-bedded Tony Stark- or a dead one.

That isn’t much of an exaggeration; this is a busy film. One of the critics I read likened it to the mess that was Spider-man 3, which played out like a stack of comics in a blender and glued together by a chimpanzee. It’s not really a fair comparison. The problem there wasn’t so much the number of plot points dealt with, but the lack of any connection between them.   Though IM2 deals with many seemingly unrelated details (Pepper Potts, Congress, Justin Hammer, Whiplash, SHIELD, Rhodey and Scarlet Johansson’s spectacular ass) each of them gets plenty of time to settle in and meshes cohesively in the film.   I stress the first part. The pace of the film is fast, but the plot is never rushed.

I credit this both to a strong script by Justin Theroux and expert direction by co-star Jon Favreau.  Had either of these men been inadequate I’m quite certain I would be screaming bloody murder right now.

But the real element that pulls it all together in my opinion is the man inside the armor.  Once upon a time Tom Cruise was signed to become the armored Avenger.   While I personally consider Mr. Cruise to be one of the finest actors ever to worship space aliens, I can only imagine that movie experience would have led to me kicking a puppy.   The loss of Cruise as the film’s lead ultimately led to the great Robert Downey Jr taking over as Tony Stark.   If there’s anything above perfect casting, then casting RDJ as Tony is Mana from heaven.    No actor has so completely personified a role since the day Christopher Reeve made us believe a man could fly.

It’s nothing as simple as looking the part.  Nor is it even necessarily the fact that Tony Stark is well-known as an alcoholic and Robert Downey has had his own well-publicized battle with addiction and redemption.   It’s the nuances.   The ability to make impossibly inappropriate jokes and then switch to devout seriousness without missing a beat.   The unflappable facade he holds even when he’s falling apart.  And yes, there is the charm.   In the Marvel Universe, there are basically 3 men who are as well known for the sexual conquests as their heroic exploits.  Both Daredevil and Wolverine are notorious skirt chasers.  Tony puts them both to shame.  The aspect of the film version I find most intriguing is that women don’t sleep with Tony because he’s a famous billionaire, they do it because he’s just that good.  To put it simply, there’s a small chance I’d go gay for RDJ.   Don’t judge me.

But of course, no man is an island.  The rest of the cast provides a strong base -and occasional foil- for the Iron Man.  I wasn’t necessarily a big supporter of Gwyneth Paltrow as Pepper Potts, despite a strong performance.  But after two films, I feel like she’s added to a character who wasn’t all that celebrated outside of hardcore Iron Man fans.   Jon Favreau returns as Happy Hogan, Tony’s driver.  This time though, he exists as more than just a prop.   Happy even gets a few fight scenes this time around.   Don Cheadle -one of my favorite actors- serves admirably as Rhodey, though the shift from Terrence Howard is a little distracting.

And of Scarlet Johansson, I will merely echo Tony’s thoughts.  I want one.

technically this has nothing to do with Iron Man, but... holy shit.

Then there’s the new villains.

Jeff Bridges is a difficult act to follow.   Thankfully they didn’t just try to follow Obadiah Stane with Sam Rockwell’s Justin Hammer.  While Rockwell is always entertainingly weird, his nerdy wanna-be-Tony Stark has yet to feel menacing (…yet).   And yet Mickey Rourke manages to bring a whole new level of crazy into the Iron Man universe.    Though to be fair, I’m pretty sure Rooney was just playing himself with a Russian accent.   Most people were confused by Rooney’s announcement as the movie’s main villain.  Whiplash is a rather obscure nemesis, even among comic fans.  Having teased the villain known as the Mandarin in the first film, Ivan Vanko seemed like a huge let down.   And yet it turned out better than I could have anticipated.

To further address the negative press, there’s something you have to understand about this film.   I think a lot of the confusion revolves around the drastically different tone this time around.  Iron Man 1 was about a man figuring out who he wants to be.  IM2 is about that man trying to do too much at once only to slowly fall apart.

It’s a much darker film in spite of the laughs and unbelievable action scenes.   In fact this may be as close as we ever come to the “Demon in a bottle” storyline which dealt with Tony’s alcoholism. The filmmakers have danced around and teased the subject, but honestly– who goes to an action flick looking to see a guy nearly die of liver failure?   Here we get the best of both worlds.  Many of the same control issues that alcoholics face are dealt with as Tony faces the dangers of his own ego.  Sure it’s on a less realistic and heavy level, but again that’s not what you’re going to an Iron Man film to see. Save the complex life issues for the comics, which have the space to deal with them.   The movies work better on these smaller scales.

The final verdict-   Iron Man 2: go for the Iron Man/War Machine fight scenes, stay for the uncomfortable Scarlet Johansson erections.

The Rise and Fall of Crappy JLA Stories

// March 12th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Review, commentary

Roy isn't the only thing falling apart at DC.

*Warning- article contains spoilers regarding recent Justice League related stories, as well as future Green Lantern stories.*

It was hardly a week ago that I was raving about how great the ending of Cry For Justice was and how excited I was for the Fall of Green Arrow and Rise of Aresnal story arcs.

That didn’t last long.

Well, I suppose I should thank DC for killing my interest so early before I spent much more money.

This past Wednesday saw the prelude to both stories (Justice League: Rise and Fall special).  The stories which began with James Robinson have been passed to DC newcomer J.T. Krul.  Apparently that was a huge mistake on DC’s part.

I’ve only read Krul’s work once before on the recent Blackest Night: Titans miniseries.  The story was serviceable, but to be honest I wasn’t the least bit interested in what was going on, even with Ed Benes on art.   There wasn’t anything especially bad about the story, though.  It was just bland.

Having read The Rise and Fall special, it is my hope that I’ve seen the worst Krul has to offer.   A lot of people have complained about Oliver Queen (Green Arrow) murdering villain Prometheus. ‘Heroes shouldn’t murder.’  I disagree with that, at least in this instance.  Prometheus killed thousands of people, with the intention of much more.  His actions were responsible for the death of Ollie’s grand-daughter and the crippling of his adoptive son, Roy Harper.  Was the murder an act of vengeance? A crime of passion?  Pre-meditation?  Yes, yes, HELL YES.  (More on this later.)

Frankly, Oliver Queen has never been so interesting as he was at the end of C4J. When someone purposely murders the people you love and walks away scot-free (or I suppose Scott Free, in this case. hehehe. sorry.), the question isn’t “what would you do to him?”  The question is, what comes next? From a story stand-point, that is a great place to be!

Unfortunately, Krul took that promise and… did ungentlemanly things with it.

The special itself deals with Ollie and his supporting cast finding out what he did. Roy is still in a coma and doesn’t know about his daughter’s death or Ollie’s actions.    The story starts out fine (in spite of the fact that Mike Mayhew’s atrocious “art” fills out a full third of the story) as we see Oliver dealing with the pain of his loss by seeking vengeance on anyone who had a hand in Prometheus’ schemes and hiding the truth of the murder from his friends.

There is a brief interlude early on that shows Green Arrow’s inner monologue during the murder.  It is here that the first cracks in foundation start to show.  Ollie thinks about who Prometheus was and explains that prior to the attack they “all thought he was a joke.”  Excuse me?  The guy who single handedly took down the all-star Justice League team including Superman and Batman- was a JOKE?  Granted, Ollie was “dead” when Prometheus first appeared, and as I recall he personally beat the second Prometheus.  Still, to think that he would underestimate an enemy of that caliber is poor characterization at best.  Not a major gripe so far, but this is only the first poor choice in the story.

The Justice League splits up into three groups.  Some go with Black Canary and Green Arrow to fight the riots and save the innocents in Star City.  Others such as Wally (Flash III) and Dick (Batman II) search for the remaining villains who could provide leads to Prometheus’ whereabouts.   Hal (Green Lantern) and Barry (Flash II) seek out the Shade who they suspect knows how to get to Prometheus.

Okay, this is where the story REALLY starts to dig into my nerves.  I am a huge fan of James Robinson’s Starman, and subsequently his characterization of golden age villain The Shade as a complex figure who is neither hero nor entirely villain.  When you take a character who has been graced retroactively with such a rich history and have him say some thing to the effect of “You foolish mortals!”  —  J.T. Krul, I would personally like to see James Robinson kick you in the nuts. HARD.

Nevertheless, the story moves forward.  The body is revealed with the arrow sticking out of his forehead.  Prometheus’ … uhh, super-helmet… is missing, presumably stolen by Professor IQ who was present at the time.  So how do Hal and Barry react?  Well, Hal is shocked-  SHOCKED I TELL YOU! –ahem*   Barry on the other hand– is pissed.  His first thought is clearly “we need to arrest Oliver right now, that evil bastard!”

Ladies and gentleman, I give you Barry Allen: World’s Fastest DICK.  As for JT Krul, I would now like to see Carmine Infantino kick you in the nuts.  Granted, it wouldn’t be really hard because the man is really, really old- but still, its the principle of the thing.

And it seems that the Fall of Oliver Queen will center around his friends’ efforts to bring him to justice (sorry for the pun).

Is it wrong for heroes to kill?  Yes.  But sometimes you have to do the wrong thing for the right reasons.  Prometheus killed thousands of people. Given time, he may have done worse.  From a realistic standpoint, this was man who could not be tolerated to live.   Its not hard to see him as the comic book version of a terrorist. Now suppose your best friend went looking for him and took the law into his own hands.   Is that behavior that should be encouraged?  Certainly not.  But should it be condemned?  Not in the slightest.

Being an adult is about making hard decisions and taking responsibility for the consequences.  Stopping a mass murderer the only way you know how is a hard decision, but one that has to be made.  It sort of goes back to the Batman/ Joker argument.  How many times should Batman shrug his shoulders and hope they help him ‘get better’?  How many bodies are too many before you say “Never again”?Do we accept that the Joker should not be executed because capital punishment/ execution is wrong… or because it’s Batman? These are the kinds of moral quandaries that Krul should be exploring.

I would like to think that if I were in a similar situation (oh, you know what I mean!) my friends would understand.   Rise and Fall special didn’t make me question my answers; it just made me feel sorry that Ollie has friends that are such huge self-righteous assholes.

Headlines

// February 15th, 2010 // 3 Comments » // Comics, Humor, Review, Rumor

I’m a little late for my Week in Comics segment, but I have a good excuse.  I’m incredibly lazy.  So let’s jump right into it, shall we?

Marvel seems to be the big winner on headlines this week.

This morning it was announced that Marvel is taking the adjective from Astonishing X-Men and making it into an entire line.  It’s supposed to be some sort of low continuity series line so that new readers can jump right into the Marvel world.  I liked this idea better when it was called their Ultimate line.

So far they’ve announced the new team on Ast. X-Men and one new series: Astonishing Wolverine/ Spider-man which is a team up book by Jason Aaron and Adam Kubert.

Why does Cyclops look like a bouncer for a gay night club?

Warren Ellis will be joined by Kaare Andrews for his third Astonishing arc.  I’m fairly impressed with the designs even if Emma, Scott and Hisako look like rejects from FAME and Wolverine seems the doing his best impression of Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse. It may be worth noting that Beast looks a little closer to his original blue fur form.  That may just be an odd angle though.

Also? You can totally see Ororo’s boobs. Nice.

After recently announcing that they would be canceling the entire Avengers line, Marvel came back with a new line-up.  So far they’ve announced Hawkeye, Spider-woman, Bucky Cap, Thor, Iron Man, Wolverine and Spider-man.  They claim this isn’t the full line up and considering the guy girl ratio is 7 to 1, you can bet on Mockingbird and possibly Jessica Jones.   Bendis is on board, along with JRJR and Klaus Janson.  I’m a huge Romita Jr fan, but Klaus Janson is too dark an inker.  He works best with someone who has a lighter touch.   New Avengers has been a solid series under Bendis, so rebooted number aside, I expect this to be a great series.

Can the same be said for Secret Avengers?

Ignited by a series of cryptic roster silhouettes, the internet buzz has been heavy on this series by Ed Brubaker and Mike Deodato Jr.  There’s been speculation that this is a follow up to Dark Avengers.  Personally, I’m nixing that guess.  One: it’s two easy. And secondly the only reason people think that is bc Deodato was the Dark Avengers artist and one of the promos resembles Venom.  The truth is there are about a thousand Spider-man clones out there, figuratively and literally.

The bigger tip-off may be the adjective.  I’m thinking Secret Avengers is going to be Fury’s team.  Brubaker is brilliant at spy stories, as evidenced by the last few years on Captain America.

Unfortunately we’ll have to wait until after Seige before we get any real answers.

Last but not least, Marvel is kicking off yet another cosmic event with the resurrection of the Mad Titan in The Thanos Imperative: Ignition. Thanos was killed by current Guardian of the Galaxy member, Drax the Destroyer.

I want this cover to have my awesome babies.

The Thanos Imperative comes on the heels of the non-event Realm of Kings and once again involves The Fault, a rip in time/space from which all sorts of Lovecraftian badness is coming.  In addition to Thanos, the event will also focus on Adam Warlock’s evil side, The Magus.  The Magus has sprung up in several different forms throughout the years, most recently as the half the embodiment of Warlock’s soul in  the Infinity War (mid-90′s).

No real solids on this series either, but this is now the fourth Cosmic event in as many years. Abnett and Lanning have left the cosmic end of Marvel in far better shape than the regular universe, but it’s still more event fatigue.   That said, it probably will be a good series, so if you can stomach one more cross-over, go for it.

Speaking of events, DC leads off with the covers to this Summer’s Return of Bruce Wayne.

Bruce Wayne does Philip Marlowe? I'm SO in!

Each of the six covers illustrates the different eras that Batman will fight his way through as he battles back to the current timeline. We’ll see Bat-cave man (heh, i made a punny), Captain Bat Sparrow, Witch hunter Batman, Gunslinger Batman and Detective Batman… which isn’t all that conceptually different from regular Bruce, but looks awesome nonetheless.

Morrison has stated that this story doesn’t rewrite the DCU’s history so much as add definition to it.  Apparently Batman was getting things done.

I’m on the fence with this one.  It looks like a fun Batman story, but on the other hand Morrison has been seriously off his rocker since Final Crisis #1.  This may be the most polarizing of Morrison’s work yet… but not likely.

Another major story is in the offing over in the Superman corner of the DCU.  War of the Supermen will be known as the “100 minute war”.  The story is a four parter set in 25 minute increments by James Robinson and Sterling Gates, based on the plans of Geoff Johns.  According to Robinson’s twitter, DC Blogger Alex Segura came up with the concept of the 100 minute war.  Basically it’s a war fought in super-speed.

Okay… that’s just gorram cool.  I haven’t really been in with Supes since the New Krypton arc, but hot damn this sounds like it’s worth trying.

DC’s Brightest Day series has a few more details.  A new cover features the original Aquaman apparently reborn after the events of Blackest Night.   The character has been gone since a failed reboot of the series during DC’s One Year Later stories.

too much tequilla will do that to you, Arthur.

Also post- Blackest Night, the Green Lantern Corps will spin off a third series (fourth if you count Brightest Day).   Green Lantern: Emerald Warriors will star everyone’s favorite ring-wielding jack ass, Guy Gardner.  The series will be written by Peter Tomasi who is departing GLC.  Tomasi will in turn be replaced by Tony Bedard.

Okay, on the one hand that’s way too many Green Lantern series.  On the other, Guy Gardner is bad ass.  As for GLC, Tony Bedard is a really talented writer who seems to keep getting crappy jobs.  Hopefully Green Lantern Corps will turn that around.

Oh, and in other GL news, Ganthet goes from being Guardian of the Blue Lanterns to bitch-job of grunt ring-slinger for the Green Corps.  No idea why.

That’s it for this week.  I’ll try to be less lazy this weekend.

Wolverine: Spoiled Milk

// February 6th, 2010 // No Comments » // Comics, Humor, Movies, Review

*I wrote this on my old blog last May.  It was pretty entertaining.

For your viewing pleasure, I present the finished script to the new Wolverine film, condensed down to the essentials.

Young James Howlett (that’s Wolvie’s real name in case you don’t remember it from the movie back in 2002) is being nursed by his father.   Random dialogue ensues before James Sr heads downstairs and gets shot by Jimmy’s *gasp* real father.

Young James:  Dad’s dead.  Time for me to look up at the sky and scream.  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!  Woah.  I have claws and mutant powers even though I was just dying in my bed not ten minutes ago.  I must kill you now, birth father.  Time for me to make my angry killing noise while outstretching my claws.  RAAAAAAaAAWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRR!

Jimmy’s Birth Dad:  This sucks.  I just wanted a hug, motherfucker.  Bad enough your Mom’s a whore.

Jimmy’s Slut Mom:  Great.  Both my meal ticket and my stable boy are dead and my son has killer bone knives sticking out of his hands.

Young Jimmy:   Waaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!  Mom’s a slut and I don’t know who my Daddy is and my hands hurt and I think I just started puberty which means in a few years I will be known world round as the hairiest Canadian on Earth!

Victor Creed:  Jimmy!  WASSUP dude!  I’m really your brother.  Thanks for killing Dad.  I’m really angry and psychotic for no good reason, and that was kind of awesome.  I love you, man!

Young Jimmy:  I have a psychotic big brother?  Cool! Let’s go to America and kill shit!

Victor: Right on! We need a montage!

Cue montage of Victor and Jimmy killing a lot of people.  A LOT.   Also, Victor learns that he has the mutant power to jump in bizarrely sexual poses.

While sitting in a prison in Vietnam, William Stryker pays them a visit.

Stryker:  Listen guys, I am by far the best actor here, but even I will not be able to figure out my motivation, so I’m going to need you and a bunch of other guys to kill a lot of people so no one in the audience notices.

Victor:  Will I get to jump all over?

Jimmy:  Will I get to strike roided-out action poses and yell RAWR?

Stryker:  Whatever tickles your fancy.

Victor and Jimmy: FUCK YEAH!

Victor and Jimmy are on an elite special ops team in a helicopter, surrounded by a ninja, a dude who looks like Test from the WWE and a rapper wearing a cowboy hat.

Wade Wilson: Hi folks! I’m comedic actor Ryan Reynolds.  They brought me in to be the comedic sidekick in the film… and also because I fit into Jessica Biel’s outfit from Blade Trinity.  So I’m going to make a few quips, become the only truly entertaining character and then disappear from the rest of the movie.  Got it?

The chopper lands in Africa.  Mutants jump out and kill people.

Random Asian Mutant Assassin:  WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I love the Matrix!   I have no visible mutant powers but I can shoot people in really cool, unnecessarily athletic ways!  WOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

The team storms a building.  Machine gun toting killers open fire.

Wade:  Time for me to Ninja the bullets with my swords in a way that could not possible work!

Stryker:  Awesome Ninja-ing Wade!   But you’re too funny, so you need to go do Van Wilder 3 or something.

Wade:  Ooh!  I heard the blond chick has implants now!  See ya.

Victor speaks swahli to a bunch of African indigenous people.

Indigenous African:  Ummm… weren’t you mute in the first two X-Men movies?

Victor:  No, that was the other actor. I’m normally in much better movies than this.

Indigenous African:  You sure?

Victor:   BERSERKER RAGE!

Jimmy: Stop!  I was okay with helping you kill the other 5000 people, but its time I develped a conscience and thereby proved that even though we’re brothers I am not an animal like you.

Victor:  You can’t walk away from the team!

Jimmy:  Sure I can. I get a hot girlfriend in the next scene.

Victor:  Dude, we were gonna go to Applebee’s after this! Bros over hos!

As promised, Jimmy gets a hot girlfriend.

Jimmy:  RAAAAAaWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!

Kayla:  What is it baby?  Did you have a bad dream?

Jimmy: YES!  I dreamed that all I’ve done in the last couple of years is this and a Baz Luhrman film!  It was horrible!

Kayla:     ….  yeah.  that was… that was just a dream.

Stryker:  Jimmy!  It’s been six years!  Time for some foreshadowing which you’re going to ignore and then will eventually regret it, sending you on a quest which actually is the beginning of the real plot

Kayla: Hi, I’m Jimmy’s hot Native American girlfriend.

Stryker:  But you’re white.  And doens’t your sister have blond hair and blue eyes?

Kayla: well yeah, but I need to tell a made up Native American myth that will lead Jimmy to naming himself Wolverine in my honor.

Stryker:  Ah.  well it doesn’t matter.

Kayla: Time for me to go get killed!

Victor jumps around and kills Kayla.  But not really.  It wouldn’t be suspenseful if her dead body riddled with claw holes wasn’t healable.

Jimmy: Kayla’s dead???  Time to yell No at the sky again.

”NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!”

Jimmy finds his killer brother, Victor.  Sadly his, angry RAWR face is no match for Victor’s jumping power.

Victor:  I look better with an Amish man’s beard!!!!!!

Jimmy: RAAAAAAAAWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!  Outstretched bone claws!

Victor wins.

Jimmy: I’m really angry with you sir.  You should have told me that my brother who I loved was going to kill the woman that I love thereby providing the obvious motivation for this unnecessarily convoluted plot.

Stryker:  Well I still don’t know my own motivation!  So even though you’re my worst enemy and could kill me as you are right now, I am going to make you even MORE dangerous!

Jimmy: Well whats your motivation for that?

Stryker:  I don’t know!

Jimmy:  RAAAAAAAWWWWWWRRRRRRR!!!!!

Jimmy gets metal claws and is now named Wolverine.  It says so on his underwear.

Stryker: Now that we’ve made him into an unstoppable autonomous killing machine, we should piss him off and then kill a bunch of people who are nice to him.

Wolvie:  I heard that!  Time to start the killing again!   ‘Splode stuff!!!!!!!

Wolvie gets a leather racing jacket and then goes off to find rapper Will.i.am hanging out with a sweaty fat dude in a gym.

Will: Jimmy!

Wolvie: No, they call me Wolverine now.  Well… I would explain, but since you’re set to die soon, it won’t matter.

Will: Hey, you know that big fat guy down there?  That’s our old friend Fred!  Yeah, he’s fat!  But don’t mention that he put on 600 pounds, because he’s in denial about it.

Wolvie:  HEY FAT GUY, LETS HAVE ANOTHER POINTLESS FIGHT SCENE!

Fred:  Sigh. Okay, but if I die, try to remember me as the bad ass mercenary in LOST, okay?

Wolvie:  Only if you conveniently know the location of the next future X-Man who will take me to the last location in the movie.

Fred: Done.

Meanwhile, Stryker gets a visit from another General who wants to shut down this untraceable black ops facility and came alone.

General:  Stryker, I know that your son is an evil mutant.  You should kill me now!

Stryker:  Really???  HEY GUYS!  I FOUND MY MOTIVATION FOR ALL THE STUFF I’VE BEEN DOING!  Yeah! My son is an evil mutant who killed my wife, so I decided to clone another mutant and give him a bunch of different powers which will help him destroy the earth and…  wait… I still don’t get it.

Wolvie:  Yeah, why don’t we just start tossing in a bunch of random comic book characters with non-descript powers that even the fans won’t care about, until we can bring Wade back for the last fight.

Wolverine meets mutants, fights Victor and finds THE ISLAND.

Fred: No, not that ISLAND.  This is a different one, that is far less compelling.

Wolverine meets a killer mutant with no mouth and a messed up face with more plastic surgery than Dick Clark.

Wolvie:  Wade? Is that you?  How do you eat with no mouth?

Wade:   mmmrrrrffffmemkjjkjljlkjljljk!

Wolvie:  Also, how did you manage to get two samurai blades to pop out of your arms like claws?  I  mean, how could you possibly move your arms like that?

Wade:   MMMMMRRRFFFDDDDDDEMEMEMEMEME!!!!

Wolvie:  Oh, right. No mouth.  Well lets fight!

Victor: Can I team up with you in an act that goes against everything else that I’ve done for the past hour?

Wolvie: Sure; whats it going to hurt at this point?

Wade dies. Stuff blows up. More mutants.

Gambit:  Hey, I’m one of the mutants that the reviewer lazily skipped over.

Wolvie:   Can you blame him?

Gambit:  … well anyway, everyone is dead.  You have no ties to the past. And now your name is Logan.

Logan:  Why?

Gambit: It’s written on your underwear.

Logan: It wasn’t a few hours ago.

Gambit: Whatever, listen, you don’t have your memories either.

Logan: So… can I forget I was ever in this dreck?

Gambit: Well, just until the next X-Men spinoff.  I mean, they can’t seem to write one that doesn’t focus on you.  You’re totally going to be the “surprise” cameo in the Magneto movie they’re making.

Logan: OHHHHHH! So that’s why they mentioned that I was a soldier in World War 2!

End movie